Now that the unthinkable has happened, and that pristine bastion of integrity and sober wholesome goodness, Lindsay Lohan, has been sent to jail, she's going to have to make a few adjustments in order to survive. But thankfully for Lindsay, we here at Heavy are here for her in her hour of need and if she listens to us, she might just make it out alive.
- First of all, Lindsay, you need to understand that although you're in jail for being a wild drunkard, this does not mean that you need to embrace sobriety. Oh no. That will only get you beaten and/or killed. What you need to do is embrace your boozy reputation and put it to good use. You need to make yourself invaluable to the jailhouse badasses and one good way to do that is to learn how to brew a decent toilet wine. You should be cramming your ass off right now, living in your bathroom, trying desperately to concoct the perfect Crapper Merlot. It might be the only way you make it out of this alive.
- Second, Lindsay, you need to make friends with the right people. I know they may seem scary, but you want that giantess named Lady Kong as your friend and not your enemy. Offer her a free jug of your toilet wine. Sure, you might have to occasionally perform the duties normally associated with Mr. Kong, but it's not like you haven't already done worse, Lindsay.
- Third, don't show weakness. You are Lady Kong's personal wine maker and occasional paramour. You don't need to put up with the crap of other, lesser inmates. If someone gets in your face, just remember that although you may take a beating now, you'll get your satisfaction later when Lady Kong burns them with a heated coat hanger stolen from the jail laundry room.
- Fourth, learn a new trade. Let's face it, Lindsay, your "career" as an actress is at death's door. You are Lindsay Lohan: Train Wreck and this is what people will see from now until the end of time. While locked up, you might as well take the opportunity to start forging a new path in life. And since we're realistic and understand that you can only use your existing talents - which, according to this profile we have obtained are chiefly DRUGS and DRUG ACQUISITION - you should probably buddy up to either the closest meth head or the jail house's number one crack whore. The best case scenario? You emerge from prison with both an expert knowledge of meth and meth production and you learn the fine art of professional hooking. No more amateur hour for you, Lindsay!
- And finally, Lindsay, if you are going to survive in jail, you need to learn to both accept and use The Good Book. And by The Good Book, I don't mean Twilight. I'm talking about the Bible. It is my understanding that you can hollow it out and store contraband in there. And if worse comes to worse, and Lady Kong isn't around to defend you, you can always use it to hit people.
There. We have given Lindsay Lohan the tools for survival in the harsh environment known as the jail house. We do this because we are humanitarians. It is both our gift and our curse, I'm afraid. Perhaps one day, Lindsay Lohan will thank us and we'll just smile kindly, stare at her giant breasts and say "You're welcome, Lindsay. You're welcome."
