One year ago, Michael Jackson, beloved entertainer, expert zookeeper, and award winning babysitter, passed away under bizarre circumstances that, quite frankly, remain shrouded in mystery and suspicion. Well, thankfully, Heavy has just received a secret copy of a report from a private investigator hired to tail Michael in his final days by friends concerned for his well being. Here, now, for the first time, are some excerpts from this stunning report:
June 24, 9:30 PM - Michael just left rehearsal. Danced alone in the parking lot for about 20 minutes, grabbed crotch approximately 147 times. May not have been dancing. Possibly masturbating. Lots of movement, but no music. There was some moaning. Will need to investigate further.
June 24, 10:17 PM - Followed Michael into a secluded grove in Beverly Hills. There, he rendezvoused with what appeared to be a small chimp. Spent the next hour having a picnic with the chimp. Much laughter and champagne. Michael received a goodbye kiss for chimp and then spent next half hour dancing alone again. Much crotch grabbing. Again, may have been masturbating. Chimp watched from bushes.
June 24, 11:56 PM - Michael stopped at an all night party store. Grew frustrated as he searched the available wine selection. Bitched out clerk for not carrying his brand of Jesus Juice. Claimed he had a hot date the next day. Clerk grew uneasy. Michael became enraged, took off his nose and threw it at clerk. Clerk threatened to call the cops. Michael responded by dancing for five minutes. Had visible erection. Clerk called cops.
June 25, 12:17 AM - Michael ran out of party store with a stolen bottle of Thunderbird. Clerk chased him with a shotgun. Michael jumped fence and I lost him for a period of 45 minutes.
June 25, 1:02 AM - Located the subject, staggering in an alley, the bottle of Thunderbird nearly drained. Michael was accosted by a bum who wanted change. Michael struck him with the bottle, then shrieked like a little girl. Ran away.
June 25, 1:08 AM - Michael ducked into seedy strip club. Followed him in. Subject appeared frightened and confused. Took a liking to midget bartender named Clyde. Told him he reminded him of someone. Clyde appeared uneasy. Michael thrown out of establishment when he tried to run his hands through Clyde's hair.
June 25, 1:24 AM - On his way home, Michael stops off at 24 hour drug store. Fills unknown prescription. Jokes with pharmacist that he's "gonna be havin' some fun now." Laughs maniacally. Pharmacist appears uneasy. Michael asks if pharmacist has any children. Pharmacist tells him to get the hell out of his store. Michael responds by dancing. Much crotch grabbing. Pharmacist pulls shotgun. Michael swallows handful of pills and attempts to fellate shotgun. Pharmacist appears frightened and then backs away, leaving Michael all alone. Michael steals several bottles of unknown pills and then staggers away.
June 25, 1:42 AM - Michael crashes his car into a telephone pole, but he was only driving 5 MPH so he is uninjured. Crawls out of car and is missing his pants. Pantomimes masturbation at cars passing by.
June 25, 1:58 AM - Michael is picked up by car driven by mystery driver. It appears on first inspection that the driver may be the chimp from earlier in the evening. Cannot confirm as of now.
June 25, 2:26 AM - Michael and mystery driver pull over outside of home of actor Macaulay Culkin. Michael climbs out of car and begins sobbing and screaming incoherently at house. Lights come on in house, followed by Culkin peeking his head out window. Michael begins to serenade Culkin but is too drunk/high and is incoherent. Culkin shakes head sadly and tells Michael to go home. Michael collapses and begins weeping. Mystery driver scurries out of car and drags him back. On closer inspection, is a different chimp.
June 25, 3:17 AM - Michael returns to Neverland, and staggers out of car. Is helped inside by chimp, who tries to induce vomiting in bushes. Michael, still missing pants, fights chimp off and then trips and falls, hitting his head on door, knocking himself out. Chimp panics and runs away.
June 25: 6:42 AM - After nearly three hours, Michael slowly regains consciousness and sits up. Realizes for first time he is missing pants. Still has bag filled with stolen pills. Takes a handful of pills and then enters mansion. Does not appear to be in the best of health.
After that, the eye opening report abruptly stops. What exactly happened after Michael Jackson entered his home? We may never know. But now, thanks to the efforts of both Heavy and this mysterious private investigator, perhaps we can finally begin to finally understand the final hours of the one, the only, Michael Jackson.