We live in a culture of consumerism and celebrity, so naturally celebrity product endorsements are thoroughly integrated into our media culture! Er, sorry, what I meant to say is that famous people want you to buy sh*t they get paid to sell. It's always awful and a little bit gross, but sometimes it's lame. Really lame. These are the lamest.
10. Guy Fieri and His New Wine
First, I learned that Guy Fieri is a homophobe and now he's set to release a new wine. While his show is insanely popular, he still looks like someone's try-hard, childless uncle who acts like he doesn't want kids, but it's really because no one loves him. Seriously, who bleaches and spikes their hair? Orange sunglasses? He looks like the son of an albino porcupine and an owl. You know what, his wine isn't even that lame, I just don't understand how someone so famous can dress and look like such an idiot. Oh wait, it's because he doesn't hang out with gay people. Makes perfect sense.
9. Alec Baldwin and Wegman's Food Markets... and Words With Friends.
Here's the story: First, Baldwin and his dear ol' mom work together in a commercial for Wegman's Food Markets. How touching! He has a mom just like us! Here's where it gets interesting, Baldwin was reportedly on an airplane and due to his crack-like addiction to the digital versin of Scrabble, Words with Friends, refused to turn off his iPhone during the mandatory "put away your electronics" portion of the flight AKA takeoff. Wegman's is apparently afraid of even the most minor controversies and cancelled the ad. Then, in yet another spineless move, they decided to bring it back. Lame sauce.
8. 50 Cent and Vitamin Water
You're famous for being a big tough rapper guy, why not make your own flavor of Vitamin Water? Glaceau asked 50 Cent aboard, and thus "Formula 50" was born. 50 Cent's own flavor. Yep, perfectly logical, since you know, it's sugar water, and he was raised in the crack epidemic.
Oh, and Glaceau would later be purchased by none other than Coca-Cola, netting 50 Cent around 50 million dollars.
7. Paris Hilton and Carl's Jr.
Doesn't this ad already look and somehow smell old?
Wow, Carl's Jr. Really stooping low, ay? And I'm not sure if they meant it or what, but the whole "It's Gonna Get Messy" slogan paired with sexual entendre is actually completely disgusting. Also, the endorsement makes zero sense. Paris Hilton has never and will never eat a Carl's Jr. burger. She would never stoop that low. The only kind of meat she eats is... expensive. See, it's easy to stay classy, son of Carl. Get it? Ok, I said it was easy to be classy not funny.
6.Ozzy Osbourne and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
I don't think I need to bring out the millions the jokes that have ever been made about things like Ozzy Osbourne and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Let's just take this moment to rewind the video just a bit and re-listen to that uber-cheesy guitar lick outro. Hey. Are you still there, or did you teleport back to the 90s? Bum-bum-chi. *guitar lick sound*... *crickets*
5. Yung Joc and Rap Snacks.
Well, first off, this is a thing.
but here's where it gets truly lame:
"Reading is Fundamental." Well, you read it there, kids, hip-hoppers, and lovers of "the rap," reading is good! Not sure why Yung Joc would be on a bag of chips, but somehow, this deal doesn't strike me as the kind of thing where he left the lot driving a Bentley. Probably skateboarded home.
4. Pauly D and SK Energy
I was truly depressed when I learned that Pauly D, a person with exactly zero talent, made about as much money in 2012 as deadmau5. Then, I was walking through Times Square, the most visited spot in America and there I saw it...
The thing is that this ad is completely perfect because in no sense is Pauly D an actual DJ. Also, note that it's "powerful, pure" PURE energy. Right. Not that diluted, impure, rat-feces infested Red Bull. Pure Energy. Made with fairy dust and the sweat of buff bros from New Jersey.
3. Justin Beiber and his Perfume, Someday
I'm not one of these people who hates the Biebs for no reason, but I can't understand why this little boy who everyone calls a lesbian and girl would release a fragrance. That's asking for it. Look, if he's going to put himself out like that, he might as well just wear it. And if he's wearing perfume, he might as well come out and tell everyone that he is indeed, neither boy nor girl, but rather a 14-year-old man-puppy. Yes, I just implied Biebs is cute. No shame. This is still totally dull, drab, and lametastic though.
2. Tiger Woods and Nike
What's lame about this isn't Tiger Woods. Who wouldn't want to be sponsored by Nike? What upsets me is how Nike acted when we all learned that Tiger was really into using his wood on and off the course. The part that upsets me isn't that Tiger made a mistake or had a problem or whatever, it's that when it came down to it, Nike didn't really mean "just do it."
1. Embarrassing Celebrities Endorsing Their Candidate
For once, I think we can all agree, no one wins the election based on the celeb vote. At least you non-voters don't have to feel bad.