The whole right half of the continental U.S. is being blanketed in an oppressive, smoldering heat wave. Here are some tips to help you 'beat the heat':
- Have you tried 'beating the meat'? (punching slabs of beef in a walk-in refrigerator)? That's how Rocky Balboa single-handedly cooled down all of Philadelphia.
- Try writing a novel! Here's an idea: it's about a guy trying to write a novel during a heat wave. Here's another idea: don't write it, live it.
- Something about the summer heat always makes me want to shoot a cop.
- Why not stay cool by going to a theater and seeing this summer's hit comedy, Grown Ups? And then dousing yourself in gasoline and shoving a lit flare in your mouth? And then eating a big bowl of watery feces?
- The elderly are particularly vulnerable during a heat wave, or when climbing stairs, or alone at home.
- Heat exhaustion can be dangerous for children as well. It's best to make them stay inside and play video games all day while you drink wine spritzers and fall asleep in the bathtub.
- You know whose fault the heat is? The sun's. Why not start a cult devoted to destroying the sun? The best parts: free Kool-aid, new friends, and making a difference.
- Make an ice sculpture of a beautiful woman, and then pretend the gods gave it life, and then have sex with it. If carving a beautiful woman is too hard, just poke a hole in a bag of ice and go to town.
- Is watching 15-year old Mexican girls get bad-touched by their sleazy boyfriends your kind of thing? Then why not try a water park!
- Give up on living - clearly we are not wanted on this planet.
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