Love is a battlefield, sang Pat Benatar... and in the game of life, both love and battle involve some serious pounding of the crotch. Here are some of my favourite blows to the baby-maker!

5: THERE'S A FIRE IN MY CROTCH

Not even the most cracked out of PCP binges can justify this kind of idiocy, so thank god for that old youtube stand-in, the stupid jock. What makes this video so awesome is the optical illusion that the brain donor in question has quite literally exploded. This scores highly on the Weitzman-Shultz Ball Trauma Index for sheer novelty alone.

4. THERE'S A ROLLER-DERBY IN MY CROTCH

Roller-derby is now a bastion of punk rock feminism, but I can't think of anything less feminist than picking a woman up, slamming her into the ground then smashing her crotch into the post, but that's exactly the kind of indignity Denise Loden is experiencing in this clip from Sports Entertainment also-ran RollerJam. Rumours her labia now function as internal organs can neither be confirmed nor denied.

3. THERE'S A LOW INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT IN MY CROTCH

"Firecrotch" used to be a really sexist way to refer to redhead girls. Now it's the reason this kid is going to be lugging around pancakes for the rest of his horrible life. Sad.

2. THERE'S A HEATH ROBINSON CONTRAPTION IN MY CROTCH

Children are dicks, and I feel bad for this kid. Still, this is the closest real life real life's crotch will ever get to Tom and Jerry cartoon ultraviolence.

1. THERE'S A BAD AZZ AX SWINGIN CLOWN IN  MY CROTCH, YO

Hey, if Juggalos want to destroy their reproductive tissues I'm... not in favour, but it's definitely not the worst thing that could happen. FAYGO!