I’m Obsessed With Martial Arts

Have you ever been punched in the face so hard your face broke apart? How do you feel about people who you see that happening to or doing that? It's hard to describe in literature with humor what I would verbally enunciate as a triumphal revelation of hatred which antagonizes every other part of life, but I'm currently fantasizing that if I shape my public persona carefully enough I might get the chance to dress a chimp up in shorts and boxing gloves and hit it for a while someday, which I am more than powerfully certain justifies any justification of mine for the blood-quenched glorification of skull puttying. I'm obsessed with martial arts!

It's hard to explain to a person who doesn't like guys getting their heads ripped off the exact appeal of the martial arts discipline. In this world of velvet revolvers and pistol grip pumps in our laps at all times it would seem the most natural option would be to skip the ripping-off altogether and vaporize them into a pink foam. Of course, it's a joke to try to separate these two concepts, but my real point is I've had my skull hammered on enough to where I'm at the point that I can't stop thinking about why people do this kind of thing.

I'm trying to recoup the tremendous mental trauma I've incurred by only using the parts of my brain raped by the blows of a series of skull-jarring battles to write this article in order that I might silence the wailing ghosts of debt in a deafening jangle of fused and crusted neuron. If this article seems estranged, cyclical, even distraught to you, be assured that it is because it was written under the shade of man's most perverted chemical furor.

Plunging under the thrall of such influences the typically rapacious human psyche begins to seek a device with which to answer this histrionic call, and any sane person reaching the conclusion that the most desirable thing in life is probably to do something on the level of practice decapitating people with a golden boomerang so you can work on algebra problems while you wait for it to come back because you're smart and deep yet tough and sexy (or something like that) will soon come to realize that unless you're Ozymandias the magic pedophile himself you'll probably require some instruction, or... hey guess what buster you will really feel like a "dummy" when the moment calls for this action because you'll be brutalized like a crash test dummy and you'll suffer brain damage which will render you dumb as a clown, which is nothing to joke about at all. That's why this isn't a joke.

Acting in violence is a bit like acting on the stage, in the sense that there are several schools of thought which purport to bequeath to followers of the schools the most effective techniques for performing the action. To the relative layman the myriad of martial arts institutions offering instruction make similar vague promises and are better evaluated in terms of their garnered fame than in terms of their described prowess. For example the Shaolin kung fu school of China teaches the snake fighting style, and the snake is the weakest enemy in Resident Evil 4, so does this mean Shaolin promises to teach the "weakling" fighting style? Of course, the answer to this, as any educated person can easily tell you, is a definite no, as these individuals are capable of an extremely tough level of fighting.

I personally am most partial to wrestling-based styles since modern combat described as "martial arts" usually tends to describe ring-based combat. In other combat situations a wrestler might find himself slowed by his choice of fighting style, but in popular modern martial arts wrestlers stand a better chance of avoiding critical blows because the style is based on using bodily leverage to neutralize the efficacy of your opponents arms and legs rather than attempting to exchange repeated crescendos of pummeling with them. The most famous school of wrestling globally is Greco-roman wrestling, which was the favorite sport of such noteworthy societal greats as Hercules, Zeus, God (of the Israelites), Dan Severn, Kurt Angle, and Brock Lesnar. A far eastern counterpart to this fighting style is the martial art of Judo.

Judo at it's inception differed from Greco-Roman wrestling in that was geared more practically toward real-life scenarios and involved less contact. Rather than immobilize an opponent, a judo fighter would be more likely to throw them, as judo teaches a fighter to deflect oncoming opponents rather than to specifically "square off" at any point. This however soon changed, as not long after it's creation Judo was adopted into the spectrum of arena combat as it's founder was also one of the founders of modern Karate, the martial art typically practiced by Kids.

Temporarily decommissioning an opponent's striking ability, the heart of all wrestling arts, is also the cornerstone of all of the world's most famously successful fighting styles, as virtually all of them, including Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Sambo, Krav Maga, and the aptly self described MMA or "Mixed Martial Arts" style which is a constantly-developed blend of these and any other observably efficacious ring techniques. I don't have a lot of money, but I think you can expect to pay at least around, like, 200 bucks at the outset for training at any martial arts school. In my opinion if you think you need to go around fighting and spending money you might as well learn a fighting style that's going to allow you to emerge from a conflict with some form of useable resource, such as a useable body, or mind, or money - as paying solely to diminish one's wellbeing is in my mind unwise. Unfortunately the most effective fighting styles incorporate the infliction of debilitating blows, however I have fought men who employ such blows and I can tell you that in my mind there would probably be no finer strategy than to wrestle their arms and legs right off, which is what I am advising you to do because it is what I want to do.

Still and all the martial preoccupation, or the preoccupation with the martial art(s) is ultimately the most tragic of the triumval art obsessions, the second being the recording arts, and the third being the erotic arts. Few seriously entertain others while they are practicing martial arts, preferring instead to beat them into submission. They also do not entertain fantasies of fame, though the promotion of martial arts performing superstars in the media is the primary reason for the propagation of martial arts systems among private individuals. I do not know who the PR men for the global martial arts associations are, but I can only imagine that they must be very persuasive indeed. This makes sense, because I'm pretty sure that buying kickboxing kicks to the face might actually be less good for you than smoking cigarettes, but I like to smoke sometimes and I like to box about as much, and if I can box with a cigarette in my mouth for five minutes then I'm changing my name to "Smokestack Lightning" which I'll tell you is exciting as hell, because I don't think it's very exciting, as having a cigarette punched into my face would hurt.

Primal fear is the main reason for any person to want to slave over the practice of beating each other to death over the course of many years, because what can also happen is you might find yourself in a situation where you encounter one unexpected fight and if you didn't invest your time and money in several preceding fights you might find yourself unprepared for the one unexpected one and subjected to a level of pain and debt almost equal to that experienced by the average martial arts student. This one fight could end so perilously badly for you that for the rest of your life, because your brain had been damaged so badly that the only thing you could think about would be learning the very best way to kill the next person who you could probably do that to without getting in a whole lot of trouble, and then you'd be studying martial arts anyway. You can't get away from it! Considering the life of the human animal logically, there is probably no metaphysical juncture at which it could ever be considered inappropriate to "start doing kung fu and karate on stuff all the time", and knowing how to undoubtedly will endure as a keystone of evolutionary fulfillment.

When the sun is red and everyone on earth has died from skin cancer excluding Barack Obama's grandchildren and any reanimated corpses they would wish to use as bodyguards, and mankind is forced to trundle itself into the void as the last remnants of sustainability vanish, the huge human shaped robot that we fly inside of will be required at a moment's notice to enter into round after round of mortal combat (or perhaps kombat) with the shifting malevolent entities that will await us in deep space. This is why I know it's important for me to practice moving my hands so fast that my arms cause homes to fall apart. If you are afraid to be a murderer, then you don't love yourself and you don't deserve to make any decisions because nobody's ever going to start agreeing not to do things like this to other people so you might as well go to violence class yourself. May the force be with you.