David Petraeus Affair

Sorry, Kelley, the Petraeus scandal is, like, so three months ago.

He’s been known as the “Assassination Czar” and was criticized for supporting torture — but he didn’t bang his biographer, so there’s that.

Petraeus mistress won’t face charges for calling out Jill Kelley in emails.

Jill Kelley has fallen down yet another rung in Tampa’s vibrant social standings, she’s now on a par with Jerramy Stevens!

Jill Kelley got another blow on the way to Popularityville, when the South Koreans dumped her from their events.

Paula Broadwell, reported mistress of ex-CIA head Petraeus, has been discovered on a weapons company ad promoting new machine guns.

But has she apologized yet to Holly Petraeus?

Guess you’re really nobody until you can hire Gloria Allred, are you?

You know it was only a matter of time. But where is Tina Fey when we need her playing Paula Broadwell?

If you have to avoid the media, it helps to have a brother with a nice house.

The emails between John Allen and Jill Kelley were routine. There was nothing inappropriate about the vast majority of them.

Of course the Petraeus scandal now involves Bubba the Love Sponge. Because this is Amurrica, dammit.

Petraeus testified that the CIA determined al-Qaida involvement, but the “talking points” were edited to eliminate the reference.

A Taliban leader laughed out loud when asked about the Petraeus affair and said he should die for his indiscretion.

Heavy.com’s definitive Petraeus Affair Timeline Infographic stars all your favorites: Petraeus, Broadwell, Kelley, Obama, Gen. Allen, Shirtless FBI Guy & more.