Hold a door for a lady and you're a gentleman. Hold a REVOLVING door for a lady... and you're a dick according to this lady I've trapped.
— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) May 24, 2013
What's everybody's favorite bird? I'll go first. Birds are sky garbage. Fuck your favorite bird.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 20, 2013
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DONâ€™T SING THE CHORUS YOUâ€™LL MAKE IT WORSE
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 26, 2013
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 13, 2013
Now Gotye is somebody that we used to know.
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) August 18, 2013
"There are totes deems in this house, you guys." -a ghost hunter, but a "cool" one, who has lots of friends who are 20 or 23
— Audrey Farnsworth (@audipenny) November 24, 2013
Throw a surprise party for a psychic and destroy his reputation.
— Jason Berlin (@JasonBerlin) January 7, 2013
You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 25, 2013
With GREAT GATSBY and TITANIC, DiCaprio is now the go-to star for inappropriately big-budgeted condemnations of turn-of-the-century excess.
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) April 24, 2013
Sriracha is the Jennifer Lawrence of condiments.
— Lance Pauker (@LancePauker) November 13, 2013
I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the fuck he was protecting his eyes from.
— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) March 4, 2013
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyoneâ€™s eyes were closed.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013
everything will be okay. just kidding
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) June 17, 2013
Will someone photoshop me making my parents proud?
— TK Lynch (@tklynch) July 12, 2013
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
— Lori (@loribuckmajor) April 26, 2013
Smoke breaks are a fun way to take a break from doing something that slowly kills you to do something else that slowly kills you.
— Kasey Koop (@KaseyKoop) August 24, 2013
Fun Tip: Clitoris
— MajorFlakes (@MajorFlakes) September 21, 2013
Skyfall is the best Chicken Little movie to come out in years.
— Ben Vitoff (@Ben_Vitoff) January 8, 2013
first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 27, 2013
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
— donni (@donni) August 1, 2013
birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. let's do it, let's poop mid-air.
— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) May 16, 2013
I'm gonna be honest, I never trust a Helen Keller quote.
— Shannon O'Neill (@spotastic) August 15, 2013
*walks into a crime scene of murdered high schoolers* *lowers sunglasses* smells like teen spirits *wins coolest cop award*
— eggnog babe (@debbie_hairy) May 16, 2013
No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks
— Dani Fernandez (@mydanimarie) May 20, 2013