Heavy - American Suck Countdown

Fake Porn Sucks

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 12:04:29 EDT

See what 10 things couldn't escape the final dragnet in the last American Suck Countdown ever. The good news: from now on, nothing will ever suck again! Forget the top 10, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel to bring you the worst of the worst with American Suck Countdown.

Lindsay Lohan Sucks

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 10:50:07 EDT

Penguins cause a flap, Nicholas Cage is way too touchable, and Lohan keeps acting up. Plus, less is Moore, Brokeback vs. the Board of Education, and no Tube for Soldiers.

R Kelly Sucks

Fri, 25 May 2007 11:02:29 EDT

R. Kelly flirts with water sports, Costner returns to Water World, Lost gets watered down, and Bush meets his Waterloo.

American Idol Sucks

Fri, 18 May 2007 10:25:22 EDT

Dancing with has-beens, near-beer, Baldwin-faced liars, sci-fi-tology, idol hands, and other things that make you want to Shrek.

Gay Marriage Haters Suck

Fri, 11 May 2007 10:00:43 EDT

Couric's bad news, Law and Order's continuing trials, Bush going solo, pets on prozac and other sucking, unleashed!

Pollution Sucks

Fri, 04 May 2007 10:09:21 EDT

It's Hulk vs. Spidey in a no-holds-barred sequel suckfest. Plus, Nick Cage, the View, E! and fat people all go down with the Cruise Ship.

Animal Cruelty Sucks

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:37:09 EDT

Adrian Grenier has a big one, Cruise needs his examined, McCain is losing his and Bush doesn't use his. ASC is talking "heads."

Bill O'Reilly Sucks

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 10:12:09 EDT

When there's no time for Showtime, Fergie takes her humps, Canada clubs Giuliani's dog, and Foxworthy's not worthy, you might be watching American Suck Countdown.

Man Boobs Suck

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 10:06:03 EDT

Mapquest telling you to get lost? Meg Ryan giving you lip? Salma Hayek's funbags stop being fun? Must be tax time.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 10:28:35 EST

Hilary Duff Sucks

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 11:21:51 EDT

Sucking from the right: Bush, Republicans and the Iraqi war. Sucking from Hillary's side: Duff's new album and Swank's new movie. And that's not all.

Sharon Stone Sucks

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:11:29 EDT

It's no secret: chubby Leto's after Sharon Stone's ham, Senator beg Bush's pardon, and a Battlestar gets Lost while a trekkie looks for work.

Email Scams Suck

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 10:31:33 EDT

But that's not the only thing becoming a hazardous waste this week. Also sucking: two-bit cons, two-bit neo-cons, Anna Nicole Manson and the upcoming troop surge in military hospitals.

Britney Spears Sucks

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 11:03:14 EST

Is your TV making a sucking sound? It must be because of Anna Nicole, presidential candidates, Britney's crome dome, Lost and confused, and, of course, the Oscars.

Paris Hilton Sucks

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 13:04:48 EST

This week, it's a tool-shed full of high-calorie, head-shaving, world-polluting, shoe-sniffing, war-denying, stewardess-banging, self-deluding suck action! Pow! Biff!

Eddie Murphy Sucks

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 11:15:22 EST

Guliani finds Lincoln in Bush while U.S. automakers make Microsoft look smarter than TV show interrogators. Plus, dinosaur farts, astronauts in diapers, yet more Britney and other things that make the Countdown :(

Purity Balls Suck

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 11:10:04 EST

Sucking this week: teeth that are too white, presidential candidates that aren't white enough. Plus, gay chocolate, Tyra Banks' big deposits, the Boston Teen Sucking Force, and fathers' perty balls. Oh, wait, PURITY balls.

Simon Cowell Sucks

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 12:21:22 EST

The fur flies this week as ASC catches a common f**king cold. Also: Britney is poop on the bottom of your shoe, and Simon Cowell probably put it there.

TV News Sucks

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 09:17:14 EST

This star-studded Countdown has more success finding 10 sucky things than TV news has had finding casualties in Iraq, or Bush has had preventing them.

Survivor Sucks

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:00:00 EST

And now, the loser...er...nominees for sucking this week, here are the 10.

Mariah Carey Sucks

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 00:00:00 EST

Some last second sucking in 2006: Bush, D*ck and porn star Mariah Carey. Whoops, SINGER Mariah Carey.

Tori Spelling Sucks

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 00:00:00 EST

Asking the eternal question: Which Bush sucks worse? George or Britney's? Forget the top 10, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel to bring you the worst of the worst with American Suck Countdown.

War in Afghan Sucks

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:00:00 EST

This Week: Eva Longoria loves Santa's big red sack!

Kramer Sucks

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:00:00 EST

What Would Baby Jesus Hate? This stocking stuffed with K-K-Kramer, Borat-suing frat boys, and more fake facts from Fox.

Jessica Simpson Sucks

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 00:00:00 EST

Bush gets whacked, bad dye lives, and Jessica Simpson has something fake she'd like to show you.

Courtney and Howie Suck

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 00:00:00 EST

This Week: Anna Nicole wants to be Courtney Love and Howie Mandell's pirate humor arrrr!

Rush Limbaugh Sucks

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:00:00 EST

This week: a girlie Bush, some facts about Rush Limbaugh's a*s, and a new definition for pig-mentation.

Justin Banks and O.J. Sucks

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 00:00:00 EST

This week: O.J. is still not a murderer, Sexyback is a good song, and George Bush has 'never' crapped his pants.

Angelina Sucks... Not Really

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 00:00:00 EST

Sucking this week: Scarlette's throat, Nicolas's hair, and Angelina's private...security.

Paris and Nicole Suck

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Scarlett sucks, but only celebrities. Sorry fanboy.

George Michael Sucks

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Avril spits and Elton sucks in this week's edition of A.S.C.

MySpace Sucks

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Succubus Tila Tequila rides the Myspace Suck Bus to undeserved fame in this special all Myspace A.S.C.

Playboy Playmates Suck

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

What six things suck more than ball sweat? Only one way to find out ...

Eva Longoria Sucks

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Sucking like Eva Longoria pulling a Monica Lewinsky on G-dub in a Winnebago.

Ashlee Simpson Sucks

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Oh Suck, Ashlee Simpson's lemmings revolt against the corporate monster.

Pussycat Dolls Suck

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Bears may hibernate, but sucking stays up all winter long.

David Beckham Sucks

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

K-Fed has itchy b*lls and a load in his pants. And he sucks. So do 9 other things!

Desperate Housewives Suck

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

China bans the Simpsons, but, unfortunately, no one can ban sucking.

Hurricane Katrina Sucks

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Mr. Nasty McGroderman wants in on your ice cream cone. But that's not the only thing that sucks.

Collin Ferrell Sucks

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

This just in: Suck-gate nabs 10 subjects.

Tina Fey Sucks

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

These guys get to do it with Jessica Simpson and Christie Brinkley? Face it: you don't suck nearly enough.

Heidi Klum Sucks

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Bush sucks. Or, have you forgotten?

YouTube Suck

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Where is Jamie Farr with a gong when you need him most?

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 00:00:00 EDT

9 things that join Jump the Shark by jumping into suck.

Britney Won't Quit Sucking

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Your laptop is about to catch fire...because of all the sucking! Nude Britney too, pervert.

Mary Kate Sucks

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 00:00:00 EDT

If Norway were making a doomsday vault to preserve sucking during the apocylpse, these 10 items would be in it.

Jessica Alba Sucks

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Why settle for the '4th meal' when you can have this 10-course feast of sucking?

Strip Club Design Sucks

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Shiloh sucks...on a $17K diamond-encrusted pacifier. But not as much as the person who gave it to her.

Michelle Rodriguez Sucks

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 00:00:00 EDT

MTV-Japan deserves a bento box of whoopass. But don't count on the 'mannys' to deliver it.

Racists Suck

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Because some things suck 110%.