Okay, folks, get your minds out of the gutter - although, when it's Lindsay Lohan, a private dick might just be what she needs.
All right, all right, it's not a gigolo she wants. LiLo wants a private investigator to dig up dirt on Tiffany Mitchell, the woman accusing her of bitch-smacking her around the other night in a New York night club.
Sources told TMZ Lohan is afraid Mitchell is planning to sue her, and that's not such a wild assumption. Mitchell has hired power lawyer Gloria Allred to represent her, and people don't pay Allred huge retainers unless they plan to sue someone. And Allred doesn't take on cases unless she can get a buttload of publicity out of the deal.
So Lindsay wants all the dirt she can get on Mitchell ... just in case. Apparently, the "Liz and Dick" star claims Mitchell is just making up the story that Lohan punched her so she can sue and become a millionaire.
Wait a minute, is Lohan saying she doesn't remember punching someone? That seems something that would be hard to forget, right?
Apparently, Lohan is telling people she didn't hit Mitchell, and only confronted her because she thought Mitchell and her friends stole her purse. We might believe her a bit more if she didn't have a meltdown in front of the jail and kick the guy out of her car who came to bail her out.
Although to be fair, don't you think Mitchell looks a bit like Paris Hilton - whose "Firecrotch" nickname for LiLo is still funny after all these years?
And another day in Lindsay Lohan's trainwreck of a life rolls along. But really, Lindsay, if you're going to get in bar fights anyway, why not square off for some money and box the Octomom? Your dad can set it up. After all, back in August, when Octomom squared off against Florida bartender Cassandra Andersen for a weird "celebrity" boxing match, Lindsay's loving daddy Michael was right there in the fertile one's corner.
True, Octomom would kick your ass, because, let's face it, it probably wouldn't be that hard to do. But at least this way we'd all get to watch and place bets on the Publicity Whore Smackdown Battle of the Century.