With Michael Vick apparently on the road to redemption - a road littered with the corpses of dogs who had the misfortune of not being championship caliber in Vick's ad hoc World Dogfighting Federation - a nation of football fans is forced to turn its attention and outrage towards the next NFL player who grabs headlines for his wayward activities. It's sure to happen, and while there will always be the spate of drunk driving arrests and run down pedestrians to fill up the police blotter, those simply aren't sexy enough to grab the attention of fans accustomed to their stars really going for the gold when it comes to tussling with the law. Vick has raised the bar for the rest of the league, and the NFL is all about evolution. So, let's see what sort of mayhem potentially lies ahead and who is the most likely to find themselves the subject of an unfortunate mug shot.

Train Robbery

Above all, NFL players are stylish, and while a simple carjacking might make the news and get the talking heads on ESPN all hot and bothered, the real go-getters understand that in order to really make a name for yourself, you have to go out and do something that no one else is doing. Sure, it may be a little hard to ride up on horseback and take down a bullet train, but these are world class athletes, and there has to be a degree of difficulty involved for it to mean anything. And who is the player who I think is most likely to pull off such a heist? Well, none other than Randy Moss. Moss grew up in West Virginia, and if there is any one state that resembles the wild west, it is that great state. It even has West in the name. I'm not sure if Moss is proficient with a horse, but he has the sort of lanky athleticism and body control necessary to make the leap from horseback onto a train car. Moss is used to going up after balls and adjusting to moving targets. It's the same principle here. Once aboard, all Moss has to do is move through the cars one at a time nabbing valuable stamps and bullion while passengers sit shocked that someone would dare to do this in the twenty-first century.

Games Moss would likely be suspended for: 4

Bigamy

With the television show Big Love making polygamy fashionable, and with the worldwide fame of NFL players, it will only be a matter of time before one of our gridiron heroes shrugs his shoulders, says to hell with it and decides to marry as many of his admirers as he can. Sure, it would be easier to have just the one wife and behave like Caligula on the side, but that can get tiring. Why not have your cake and eat it too? Besides, money, cars and houses are within reach of any star athlete. In order to truly announce your fame and set yourself apart, why not live like a modern day polygamist king? The player most likely to come to this realization is pretty obvious. Tom Brady has already knocked up one beautiful actress and he's currently cavorting with perhaps the top supermodel in the world in Gisele Bundchen. Why not make it easier on himself? Every time he knocks up one of his wives, he can always go out and get another to keep things fresh. Sure, there are laws against this sort of thing, but Tom Brady is a superstar and the hassle of getting sent home for a couple of games will be worth it when he's bed hopping within the confines of his own mansion. If nothing else, he will save on gas, and in this economy, that can't be overlooked.

Games Brady would likely be suspended for: 2

Bumfights

NFL stars are natural gladiators, but Michael Vick has already made fights amongst members of the animal kingdom passé. When players are getting a hankering for watching some unregulated fisticuffs, they will make the decision to get involved in the burgeoning bumfight industry. I, for one, think that Vince Young could very easily find himself wrapped up in this sordid world. And why not? Coming out of college, Young was essentially considered an evolutionary Vick, and so it would make sense that he would seek to surpass his predecessor off the field as well as on. Unfortunately for Young, dogs are much more beloved than our nation's homeless, and so, again just like on the football field, Young would likely find himself failing to live up to the example set by his idol.

Games Young would likely be suspended for: 6

Organ Harvesting

The NFL is a young man's game, and as players get older, they become much more desperate to find an edge. And what better way to do that than to replace your own beat up body with those of the young and strong? Naturally, a prime candidate for this sort of ambitious warding off of Father Time would be Brett Favre. But Favre can't do this alone. No, he's much too rough and would likely scare off any prospective "donors". He would need a partner, and who better than his fellow Mississippian Payton Manning? Manning is also probably starting to feel the effects of age, and with his awww shucks demeanor, one "Howdy Ma'am" later he would have some poor lady in a tub full of ice while he and Favre made off with her kidneys and God only knows what else. When they were finally caught, Favre would simply retire, avoiding the mighty hand of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell altogether, while Manning would use his down home charm to get a reduced sentence.

Games Favre and Manning would likely be suspended for: 0 and 4.

Cannibalism

Murder and suspected murder are nothing new for NFL stars, and a simple knife attack would likely elicit nothing but yawns and feeble shakes of the head in 2009. In order to truly shock a nation, not only would an NFL superstar have to kill, they would then have to take the next step that the stars of the past have been too conservative to take, and that would be to eat their victim. I know it's horrifying, but these are terrible times, and we cannot afford to be naive. The tempting thing to do would be to call for a four hundred pound lineman to be the one behind such a crime, but cannibalism is not for the weak or slow. Do the fattest and the slowest lions take down and eat the gazelle? Surely not. And just like in the animal kingdom, the man most likely to take down and eat his victim would have to be fast and physical, two words that describe Super Bowl winning safety Troy Polamalu. Polamalu is a natural hunter and a mere game can only satisfy his bloodlust for so long. Let's hope this never comes to pass, but let's also not be surprised if it does.

Games Polamalu would likely be suspended for: One Season, with an option to come back if he can prove he has been rehabilitated.