Despite what Hollywood would have you believe, there are plenty of vampire stories where no one has any sex, and they are just as exciting and terrifying as the ones where they do. Here are just a few examples.

1. The weird new kid moves to town. He's got pale skin and dark hair, and is mistaken for goth. All the dispirited misunderstood girls swoon for him, but he gravitates to the one that is most dispirited. They go for long walks with meaningful eye contact and revelatory confessions, which she misconstrues as romance. Then he reveals his secret to her - he's a vampire! Then they play Gears of War 2 and order pizza. Her grades suffer; he lives forever.

2. The weird, reclusive rich guy living up on the hill in that crazy mansion with all the mirrors dustsheeted - he's a vampire! A trembling waif of a woman is invited into his home under the pretense of teaching his niece how to play the piano. Then he opens his mouth to reveal crazy fangs - he's a vampire! He eats her neck and she turns into a vampire. She tells him her rate is $150 for an hour-long lesson and he tells her he can't afford it - probably a lie. She is bummed out but she gets another job, where she succeeds, although she is a vampire (vampires can't turn back into non-vampires no matter what).

3. That creepy guy on the corner - it turns out, he's a vampire! He asks you for change, but you are in a rush. You usually give change to guys on the street but today you are in a hurry.

4. Your boyfriend doesn't call for three days. WTF? It's been six months and things seemed to be getting intensely emotional, then he pulls this? This isn't so much about vampires, just about how guys are dicks.

5. Fourth quarter, Colts v. Patriots, Pats up by seven in a game that could shift the dynamic of the entire conference. You've got two grand on this game, and it seems like it's in the bag. Patriots have fourth down at the Colts' 28 and need two yards, with two minutes to play. Here comes the punter... wait a minute, the offense is coming back out on to the field - coach Belichick is going for the first down! You scream at the T.V. and text message your best friend: "omg belichick = vampire." He texts back: "?" Pats lose.

6. Lady Gaga is a vampire, you can tell because she is very good at what she does.

7. It's a dark and stormy night - just the kind of night vampires love. Lightning flashes - what's that in the shadows? It's your oldest childhood friend! He is lost, and needs directions. He could be a vampire, though - better keep him at arm's length. You're never sure just how well you know someone.

8. Okay so the other day me and Eric went down to the Roxie to see M83 and this guy was there and he asked us if we wanted to get high. We went out back behind the club and he was like I don't want to get high, I want you guys to join my club. We were like what? He said, it's cool, we're vampires, we play role playing games and everyone promises not to have sex with each other. We said, no way Jose. He looked kind of glum, but he was probably trashed.

9. Beware the IT guy at your job who chain smokes Marlboro Lights and takes weeks to fix your laptop. He's got bad acne, his hair is all messed up, and he smells like feet. He seems like a troubled soul and he obviously never looks in a mirror. He might not be a vampire, but just to be safe, drive a wooden stake through his heart. That is how you kill a vampire.