They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, and if they're right, then the car is the window to the penis. You can tell a lot about a person by the car they drive. Fuel-efficient? Cares about the environment and his pocketbook. Convertible? Midlife crisis. Giant pair of fake testicles hanging from the rear bumper? Back away slowly, don't make eye contact. But the three cars in this list are special cases - they're perhaps the most egregious douchemobiles ever conceived. If you meet somebody who drives one of these, wash your hands and don't share sexual partners. Let's hit the road!

Hummer HX. This latest entry in the hated family of gas-guzzling redneckmobiles was created to give the brand a "younger" image. It's also "environmentally friendly," which is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. That's like making a "white woman friendly" O.J. Simpson, or a "dignity friendly" Lindsay Lohan. It's also a convertible, which is just bizarre. Of course, the HX is just a concept car and will never really hit the road, and the 2009 Hummer H3 gets a very "environmentally friendly" 14 miles per gallon - tops.

Porsche Panamera. I have to say, the bloom is kind of off the Porsche rose. It's just not all that special to own a Porsche anymore - any douchebag with a bad perm and some disposable income can scrabble one up and fly his midlife crisis flag high. It seems like the company agrees, from the new Posrche Panamera. This four-door sedan looks like somebody took a 911 to Brazil and gave it collagen implants. Really, for what possible reason do you need to drive a four-door Porsche? Are you going to drop little Brandon off at tae kwon do in it? This ride completely obviates the purpose of driving a Porsche in the first place, and thus should be destroyed.

Smart Car. On the opposite end of the douche spectrum are these putt-putt little shoeboxes, which are basically equivalent to driving a golf cart with added smugness. Oh, great, you get six trillion miles per gallon of dirty, horrible fossil fuel. You also can't drive faster than forty-five miles an hour and the back seat is big enough for half a dwarf and a can of Fresca. Cars are supposed to have a little balls to them, and this one just makes you look like a little dick. You might as well be on rollerblades.

Dartz Monaco Red Diamond. Basically, this is the car that Idi Amin would drive, were he still kicking around. Steel-plated doors and bulletproof windows are topped off by a cherry-red finish that will hide a bloodstain no problem, the exterior is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this mongoloid Humvee. Step inside and bask in the glory of white gold gauges encrusted with precious gemstones, and settle into the huge seats upholstered with... whale penis leather. You heard me, this car actually boasts a Shamu schlong interior. That - that's kinda gay, bro.