Every week, I scour Netflix for a movie rated at one star and put it in my queue, suffering through it for your entertainment so that you don't have to. In the past, I've taken on anime cancer demons, softcore Iraq War porn and racist ventriloquism, and this week, it's the lovely ladies who make Rocky V look like Rocky III.
PERFECT 10 MODEL BOXING VOL. 1 (2006)
Starring: A gaggle of models who have been given vaguely insulting, American Gladiators-esque nicknames like "Psycho" Ward and Parvati the Pit Bull.
All right guys, I'm going to be totally real with you for a second here: Despite the presence of all five (yes, five) Bring It On movies and a disproportionate collection of Hello Kitty merchandise in my house, I am a dude who loves looking at pretty girls. Seriously, on the list of things I like to look at Pretty Girls are at the top, just above comic books about Batman. I'm a fan. And I've also got an attention span that's been eroded by a lifetime of video games and a Netflix history mostly made up of movies where people punch each other in the face, so in theory, I'm the perfect target audience for Perfect 10 Model Boxing, a 2006 "sports" video where a bunch of nude models take time out from their schedule of frolicking and photo shoots to punch each other out for a thousand bucks.
And in theory, David Heavener is "the action star of the '90s."
In reality, I'm just weirded out by it. Naked girls? Great. Naked girls with no cosmetic surgery? Even better. But I've never understood the appeal of the foxy boxing/catfight school of pornography, and believe me, I had a high-speed internet connection when I was 15: I gave it a fair shot. I like the fight scene in Kill Bill 2 as much as anybody, but the overt juxtaposition of sex and violence just doesn't do it for me. You might as well put a bikini on a toaster. But at the same time, I had to see this thing, if only because of the Netflix user reviews, one of which was--and I am not making this up--just the word "lies" repeated thirty times.
I can see what they're getting at, too: Even though it's produced by a skin mag that tries so hard in the opening sequence to be Playboy (complete with "The Perfect 10 Mansion"), there's no nudity, and while the girls are pretty, the boxing is... well, I don't want to say it's a complete farce, but when you're wearing what essentially amounts to a hockey goalie's helmet, I think you might be missing the point of this whole boxing thing.
Look, I'm not a tough guy. Hell, I'm a freelance writer, which means I haven't seen sunlight since the last time I ran out of vodka, and that's only because I live in the South and the liquor stores close at seven. But I am pretty sure that if it involved both a full-face helmet and a pair of padded gloves, I could take a lingerie model socking me in the jaw for five minutes and be okay. In fact, I think that might be what they did for the entertainment at last year's Heavy.com Christmas party.
The fights themselves are done as four 90-second rounds, and while that took about 20 minutes to film and attracted an audience of in the high thirties, including, I swear to God, what looked like someone's proud grandmother, the rest of the hour is padded out with vignettes about the alleged boxers. They're equal parts softcore bikini frolics and interviews, and while there's one between every single round, they spend their time dropping pearls of wisdom like this...
"When men are asked the age old question of Ginger or Mary-Anne, they all pick Mary-Anne, and it's because she's the girl next door and can work with her hands but she's extremely adorable and sexy, and that's kinda what we're bringing to boxing."
...instead of answering questions like "why the hell is this girl wearing a bra over her top."
Really? Nobody had an extra sports bra at Perfect 10 Model Boxing?
Even the guy doing commentary comes off like he's doing play-by-play while checking his text messages. The guy sounds bored to tears, and as quite possibly the only other person on the planet who got paid to watch and comment on this thing, I can sympathize. It's during an interview segment with one of the sexy ring card girls that we get what is the show's defining moment, when Russian model (and future St. Pauli Girl) Irina Voronina informs us that Perfect 10 "is very classy," right before the scene immediately jump-cuts to a girl getting punched in the face.
Very classy indeed, Perfect 10. Very classy indeed.
|Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.|