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Published:2:09 pm EDT, September 11, 2009| Updated:5:07 pm EDT, June 7, 2011|
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Sorority Row

In theaters this week, it's Black vs White as Tyler Perry's Madea gets lost in the Antarctic wasteland. Or maybe I got a little bit confused. Here's my take on the new flicks hitting theaters today.

Whiteout – Based on a pretty awesome graphic novel by Greg Rucka (now handling some of the Batman books), this is a murder mystery set in Antarctica's scientific research stations, where just going outside is enough to kill you. I hear they're going to set the sequel in Detroit. The title still works! Kate Beckinsale is in this. She has a really nice rack. Just – just sayin'.

Sorority Row – A bunch of nubile young girls have sex - they must all die! So it goes in this latest teen slashfest, made notable by the presence of Hollywood scion (who has a deformed head) Rumer Willis. Seriously, she looks like Rocky Dennis 2.0 here. The killer in this one uses a special magic wrench to get the job done, sort of like Bob the Builder finally snapped. Oh, Audrina Patridge from The Hills is in this, too. She has a really nice rack. Just – just sayin'.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself – Can somebody out there explain this Tyler Perry guy to me? He's basically made Mrs. Doubtfire 2-8 in the last few years, and dude really seems to dig getting on Gramma's housedress and playing for the cameras. Do these movies make money? Who sees them? Apparently they're mostly plays first, like Hamlet, right? This is apparently about a lady who has to take in her hoodrat nephews and then has her heart opened to love by a Mexican who lives in her basement. I'm serious, dude – I straight Wikipedia'd it and that's what it said. Oh, and Mary J. Blige is in it. She used to have a really nice rack. Just – just sayin'.

No Impact Man - A dude tries to cut his environmental footprint down to zero. Unfortunately, he lives in a New York apartment and his wife is pregnant. The environmentally responsible thing would have been to get rid of that wasteful baby, but instead dude decides to take the stairs instead of the elevator and not using toilet paper. Dude, just settle for what the rest of us do: buy a Prius and take less showers.

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