It's movie time! Time to pretend that Twizzlers and Sprite constitute a meal! Time to turn off your Goddamned cell phone for once - yes, iPhone guy, this means you. Time to shut off your brain and let the salty genius of Hollywood wash over your brain for somewhere around two hours! Time to use the bathroom now, because if you don't, you'll miss something! Let's see what hits theaters this week.
Zombieland: This one is the pick hit of the week - Woody Harrelson as a zombie hunter in a post-apocalyptic version of the American South, teaming up with Jesse Eisenberg (aka the guy Michael Cera wishes he was) and the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine as they hole up in an abandoned amusement park and just smash the crap out of the living dead. With one of the most talked-about opening sequences in recent history, this is an opening nighter fo sho.
Whip It: Sometimes I feel weird about Drew Barrymore. It's like she's been around forever, making sort of OK movies and dating stupid dudes and every once in a while screwing up so that gossip magazines can make lower-middle class women feel better about their lives. Does she sit up in her bed at night and ask herself "Is this all there is?" I dunno. Now she's directing this movie about women's roller derby, the most 70s of all sports. Ellen Page is in it and she rules, so there's at least one reason to see it. Another reason: short shorts.
The Invention Of Lying: Ricky Gervais can't seem to get it done outside The Office - whenever he steps up to the big screen, that unique uneasy magic that makes him so funny seems to evaporate like a popcorn fart. I'm hoping that this high-concept comedy (which he co-wrote and co-directed) breaks the slump. Read this next sentence in the "In a world..." announcer guy's voice, would you? "In a world without lying... one man just started dishing out the BS." The bad news? It's PG-13.