It's a new year, and our celebrity friends should take the opportunity to improve their tragic little lives in whatever way they can. In the spirit of change, we've talked to some of Tinseltown's hottest celebs and gave them resolutions for the new year. Will they take our advice? They'd better. Read on.
Lindsay Lohan - Stop it. You're done. Move to Kansas and work at a Borders or something. The dream is dead.
Michael Lohan - Stop kicking ladies in the vagina. It's not nice.
Dina Lohan - Have another kid,. The ones you had are no longer working.
Ali Lohan - Stop trying to buy alcohol, you only look forty.
The Other Lohans - Stop wearing underwear or something so that you can get famous fast.
Lil Wayne - Dude, go green with your sizzurp cups. Styrofoam, really? Get one of those aluminum bottles, it will keep your drinks nice and cold.
Paula Abdul - Get back to American Idol. The contestants have no chance of winning if the drunk judge isnt there to let them know that because they are "so pretty" they sound better than they did.
Allessandra Ambrosio - Keep twittering those self portraits, only maybe now just step it up and be totally naked.
Britney Spears - Keep it up. Your breasts, I mean. For the love of God, please only go outside if you are wearing a bra.
Charlie Sheen - No more stabbing! or how about just dont be insane. also, maybe you could wrap up two and half men? who is WATCHING THAT SHOW?
CoCo - Wear a one piece. Wear one inside. Maybe even wear those special Mormon underpants. Please stop making us have to think about you and Ice T doing the things that you do.
Jon Gosselin - Just because Ed Hardy makes it doesn't mean you have to wear it.
Tiger Woods - Make your marriage like you play golf: try to stick to the hole in one.
Megan Fox - Make a movie that's as batcrap crazy as your interviews.
Barack Obama - Show us the birth certificate. Preferably by wiping your ass with it.
Sarah Palin - Please start your 2012 Presidential campaign early. America needs to laugh again.
Glenn Beck - Get hemmorhoids again - that was the funniest thing you ever did. Ride those ass-veins right into the grave with Rush Limbaugh.
Snookie - Stay just as you are, you spray-tanned Jersey diamond. 2010's yours, baby.
