Oh, celebrities: they suck, yet we can't stop thinking about them. But who is truly the world's most worthless celebrity? Here at Heavy, we use science to answer these questions. Using a complex series of algorithms that monitor blog mentions, videos, and other Internet and media traffic, we have distilled the world's celebrities into an orderly list of 100 attention-seeking douchebags. Every day, we'll debut another entry on the list, counting down to the ultimate celebrity trainwreck.
Hot chicks with broken brains: that's one of the main ingredients of the Trainwreck 100. But when you throw in reality TV, creepy semi-incestuous parenting, dramatic and hilarious weight gain and Twitter, you get a real winner. This once-hot blonde was raised in showbiz, trying (and failing) to become a Mouseketeer before eventually finding some success in the teen radio market. But it wasn't until her very public romance with a B-rate boy bander got her a MTV reality show that the world fell in love with this hot mess. Her idiotic pronouncements made her an instant star, but after the marriage fell apart things got weird – her albums sold worse and worse and her waistline got bigger and bigger. That's the thing with these Texas blondes – time ain't kind to them. Throw in being dumped by seemingly every dude in Hollywood and you have a trainwreck that's just getting worse. Can you guess who?
Aw, #73 in the Trainwreck 100 is Jessica Simpson. The hot blonde who made us drool in that Dukes of Hazzard video is forever gone, my friends, replaced by the self-caricature in the mom jeans Twittering about her dogs. Simpson was never anything but a hot body – who can forget her confusion over Chicken of the Sea on Newlyweds – and now that that body has gone the way of all flesh, she's morphing into something entirely new and hilarious. As her looks go, so do her relationships, and her splits with guys like John Mayer and Tony Romo are legendary for how needy and clueless she seems. Time will tell if she can pull it together and powerslide into a MILF gimmick, but it's not looking good right now. Here's the classic Chicken of the Sea clip - look how close Nick Lachey is to hitting her in the skull with a table leg.
