So by now we've all heard that Tiger Woods crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree early Friday morning. But what the news media isn't telling you is that the black box from Woods' crashed Escalade has been recovered by police. Yes, all Cadillac Escalades made after 2007 have the exact same recording and recovery mechanisms as used in commercial airliners, and the box recorded all of the events before the crash. Exclusively to Heavy.com, we have the transcript of that recording.
1:20 AM Tape begins.
Tiger Woods: "I mean, I'm just saying, it's not fair that tea and lemonade gets called an Arnold Palmer."
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Tiger, you don't even like lemonade. This is silly."
Tiger Woods: "No, Elin, it's not silly. I'm a post-racial golf icon. I should have a non-alcoholic drink named after me make its way into the public consciousness."
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Honey, you know it doesn't just happen. An Arnold Palmer is called an Arnold Palmer because he drank it all the time. What do you drink all the time?"
Tiger Woods: "... Milk?"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Well, Tiger, they're not going to change the name of milk. It's just not going to happen."
The tape is interrupted by a low growling sound coming from the back seat.
Elin Nordegren Woods: "What was that?"
Tiger Woods: "I don't know! It sounded like an animal?"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Did you hit something?"
Tiger Woods: "In this freaking land boat, I can never tell. I ran over six kids taking Sam to daycare and didn't even notice until I got home and had to Armorall the undercarriage."
Irish Voice: "Watch out, golfer and his wife - for I have come to take your life!"
Tiger Woods: "What the hell was that?"
Irish Voice: "Don't say you've forgotten me so soon, Tiger Woods!"
Tiger Woods: "Oh my God, it's the Leprechaun!"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Leprechaun? What leprechaun?"
Tiger Woods: "Elin, it's nothing. Don't listen to anything he says."
Leprechaun: "Pay no heed to your husband's words - without me, his career would be in the turds! Hee hee hee hee!"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Tiger, what's happening? What is this? Tell me the truth!"
Tiger Woods: "Elin, I stole the Leprechaun's magic flute and had it made into an enchanted driver. Now he's come to kill me and take it back. Baby, I'm sorry."
Elin Nordegren Woods: "I thought leprechauns were only in movies."
Leprechaun: "True, that's how I got my start - but I only auditioned for the part! I'll tell you this before my job is done - I discovered Jennifer Aniston!"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Tiger!"
Tiger Woods: "Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Sound: a small creature jumping to the front seat. Tires screech.
Leprechaun: "I'll take your life, Woods, and then I'll take your clubs!"
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Take this, you scumbag!"
Sound: a golf club wetly thwacking into a small person's skull
Leprechaun: "Stop it, you bitch!"
Tiger Woods: "I'm skidding out!"
Sound: glass shattering, metal on metal, horrible injuries.
Leprechaun: "You haven't seen the last of me, Tiger Woods!"
Sound: A leprechaun disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Elin Nordegren Woods: "Baby, are you all right? Are you OK?"
Recording stops.
Shocking, huh? We can never know when the Leprechaun will strike next, but I'd invest in four-leaf clovers were I Tiger Woods. More details as events warrant.
