Sarah Palin's new memoir, Going Rogue, has produced plenty of controversy in the short time that it has been available. But what most people don't know is that the final product is much milder than the incendiary first draft. We here at Heavy were lucky enough to get our hands on a copy. HarperCollins has a formidable security system and after each trial we noticed the bones of many top journalists lying in a heap. And now here, for the first time, as we wipe the blood off of the pages and try to read the smudged ink, we bring you some of the startling revelations from the original copy of Going Rogue. At least we think it's Going Rogue. It's possible that we just got drunk and wrestled a dog and then argued with a couple of bums before stealing one of their diaries. But that is stinkin' thinkin' as Genghis Khan used to say, and so we will just assume that what we do indeed have are lost eye-openers from the mind of Sarah Palin. Among the more explosive revelations:
- Much has been made about the discord between Palin and the McCain campaign, but apparently, according to the book, Palin was kept in a cage in the basement in between appearances because McCain's camp was worried about what she would say or do next. Periodically, staffers would feed her pig's feet and Combos and douse her with a hose when it was time to bathe. Terrible and shocking!
- Everyone remembers the Katie Couric interview in which Palin was humiliated on national television. Well, apparently, this was heavily edited, and Palin was hurt and saddened that footage of her healing lepers and resurrecting Couric's deceased husband Jay Monahan was left on the cutting room floor. Also missing was nearly two days worth of film which detailed Palin and Couric's trip back through time in a heavily modified DeLorean to 1939, where Palin apparently personally choked out Adolf Hitler using only a scarf and natural moxie, thus preventing World War II - which is a thing that I don't even know what it is! Astounding!
- There was a lot of controversy around the expensive wardrobe and stylists provided to Palin and her family during the campaign. What most people don't know is that, according to the first draft, the McCain camp originally planned to outfit Palin in the skin of a flayed hippie, her head jutting out from his bearded mouth-hole. When Palin objected, one of McCain's aides suggested that Palin and her family wear Dracula capes and have their teeth filed into sharp fangs in order to piggyback on the success of Twilight. Palin, however, with her renowned common sense, pointed out that it would only reinforce the GOP's image as a bunch of vampires, and besides, none of the Twilight fans were of voting age. Scandalous!
- Sarah Palin's teenage daughter Bristol's pregnancy was a delicate issue that also caused a fracture in the McCain campaign. Apparently, while Palin wanted to frankly address the issue to the nation, the McCain campaign instead insisted that they round up the father of the baby, Levi Johnston, and drop him on a deserted island where he would be hunted by a group of wealthy McCain donors. The footage would then be sold as a reality show to whichever network bid the highest. Unbelievable!
- There has been a lot of bitterness reported by the media regarding the McCain camp's refusal to allow Palin to give a concession speech on the night of the election. What hasn't been reported so far, however, is that Palin planned to read a passage from the famed Egyptian Book of the Dead, which would have resulted in a plague of mummies who, beholden to Palin, would have then destroyed her enemies. My goodness!
- One of the more famous stories to come out of the campaign was that Palin supported hunting wolves from a helicopter. Apparently, according to these explosive revelations from the rough draft of her memoir that we have obtained, Palin is a descendant of a clan of werewolf hunters and that she is merely fulfilling her family's duty to protect humanity from those filthy degenerates. One passage even suggests that she tried to get the film Teen Wolf banned from local video stores for it's pro-werewolf agenda. Heavens!
- A lot of attention has been paid to the homespun folksiness of Palin, but what most people don't know is that Palin is actually mildly retarded and that she learned to speak only through watching the show Mama's Family. Prior to that, Palin only communicated through grunts, wild hand gestures, and the occasional orgasmic screech. There was actually a three year period in the mid-80's when Palin thought she was a character on the show, and it wasn't until Vicky Lawrence was brought in to have a heart to heart with Palin that she realized it was only a "dancing picture of light." Sad and disturbing!
- One of the more lasting images of the campaign is Tina Fey's star turn as Palin on Saturday Night Live. What people don't know is that when Palin first met Fey, she freaked out and refused to meet with what she termed her evil twin. When it was pointed out that Fey was merely an actress, like Vicky Lawrence, Palin broke down in tears and wondered aloud why the devil was testing her with this witchery. As time went on, Palin began to warm to Fey, until one day she happened upon Fey in full Palin makeup and wardrobe. Claiming that Fey was some sort of shapeshifter, Palin charged her with a silver commemorative spoon but was held back by a team of McCain campaign aides specifically hired to prevent bloodshed. They distracted Palin with an offer to play Candy Land and then eased Fey out of the room. The unfortunate scene was repeated a half hour later. Wild!
- And finally, a shocking secret only known by a few people is that when she was asked to be McCain's running mate, Palin refused on account of the fact that McCain was a Cylon. Her husband urged her to accept, but they would stay up for hours, arguing about whether it was morally permissible to work for a machine. Palin said she wanted nothing to do with Col. Tigh, but her husband insisted that he had been a stout member of the human resistance and even lost an eye on New Caprica while battling the Cylons. In the end, Palin's husband won out but she never forgot what McCain really was underneath it all, and to this day she thinks that this is why they lost the election. Jiminy Christmas!
