So the latest madness from the grave of Michael Jackson is that the crazed popstar had grand plans for a robot duplicate of himself to be made from insanely detailed 3-D full-body scans. The robot MJ apparently was to be used to imitate the reclusive star in certain awkward situations, like having sex with women. The blueprints are on sale for a purported $1 million, but we sent our people in to steal everything they could get. Here's some of the features that the machine was designed to have.
- A set of small wheels in the robot's heels would allow it to perform a passable moonwalk. Distance sensors adapted from a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner would prevent the android Jackson from moonwalking down stairs, off ledges or repeatedly into walls.
- A portable MP3 player containing all of Jackson's greatest hits would be implanted in the robot's larynx. Interested parties could download any songs from his back catalog by inserting a Flash drive into the space where his Adam's apple would be.
- The left nipple dispenses duck butter when twisted.
- As in the video for Moonwalker, the standard robotic form could transform into a more heavily armored combat model in case of attacks by gangsters or the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department.
- Kung-fu grip, but only effective on individuals under 10 years of age.
- Panel in the robot's back opens up to deploy a robotic chimp, which can be used for recon or low-impact assault situations. The chimp is controlled by a standard wireless XBox controller. If destroyed, the chimp lets out a surprisingly realistic howl of pain and grief.
