Everybody knows by now the grisly details of Hulk Hogan's new autobiography, My Life Outside The Ring - his near-suicide attempt, his family tragedies, and his tribulations in the ring. But, in my weekly dumpster dive outside St. Martin's Press, I found some manuscript pages that look to have been excised from the Hulkster's book. And for good reason - this is some pretty spicy Pastamania! Presented exclusively on Heavy.com, these are the censored excerpts from Hulk Hogan's book.
Hulk, born Terry Bollea, addresses his childhood in the tome, but this perplexing paragraph on the moment of his birth was removed.
"They say you can't remember anything before you're two years old, but brother, I remember it all. My mother Ruth was a beautiful woman, but even the most beautiful woman looks like Papa Shango when she's in labor. My first glimpse of the human world after eleven months in the womb was this screeching Polish broad with nine million veins sticking out of her forehead. But I kept my cool, man - the doctor went to slap my perfectly tanned ass and I blocked his hand and gave him a devastating slap upside his own kisser, putting him out like Richard Belzer. Then I whipped him across the back with my umbilical cord and did a victory lap around the hospital. Then I pooped."
Hogan's loss to the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VI is covered in the book, but the deleted pages reveal an alternate ending to the match that never happened.
"Brother, Vince wanted me to do the job to the Warrior, and I didn't think he was ready. So I sat down and worked out a story that I thought would be a real humdinger. We'd start the match as normal, he'd get the advantage, and I'd start Hulking up to make my comeback. But when I waggled my finger and ripped off my shirt, the Warrior - and the assembled audience both in the arena and at home - would be shocked to see a pair of double-D breasts on my massive torso. Because breast implants were a relatively new technology at the time, the distraction would be enough for me to hit the Warrior with the big clothesline, drop the leg, and pin him. But McMahon wouldn't pay for the surgery, so what would have been the greatest angle in the biz never happened."
Hogan's tenure in WCW is mostly glossed over in the book as released, but the cut pages have some telling thoughts about the struggling wrestling promotion.
"Coming to WCW from Stanford was like Green Acres come to life - as crude as the WWF locker room was, the WCW boys had them beat by a mile. A trough of tobacco spit ran down a channel in the tile floor, and the insides of lockers were covered not with Penthouse spreads but farm equipment catalogs. I once walked in on Bill Watts making love to a prize ewe in his corner office. Needless to say, I turned to cocaine - or as the WCW roster called it, "Mega-Snuff," - in egregious doses to cope."
Hogan's ugly spilt with wife Linda is raked over the coals in the book, but one notorious tabloid moment is left out - until now.
"After Linda started hanging and banging with that teenage himbo, I decided that what's good for the goose is good for the mister goose, so I went down to Chili's at 10 PM, before curfew, to try to pick up some barely legal action. I immediately went for a hot blonde girl who looked like she had a few Slurpee daquiris too many and started flexing the pythons. She seemed amenable, so I had Brian Knobbs drive us to a secluded location and wait at least 25 feet away, warning him not to breathe too hard or fart. I was just about to get my Hulk on when I realized - this girl was Brooke, my own daughter! Sure, I'd publicly rubbed sunscreen all over her bare ass, but actually having sex with her was too much, even for me. I slipped her into the sleeper hold, dunked her face into a broth of Rohypnol dissolved in Sierra Mist I had been preparing, and returned her home. She never knew what happened, and since she can't read, she never will."
Shocking? Yes. Arousing? Maybe. Hulk's book is in stores now.
Respond to this