We're not here to say that funny isn't subjective because it totally is, but we do have a system. It's called favstar.fm. By plugging in the funniest twitter users we can find, we can see their funniest tweets. This way we can get the funniest tweets from the funniest twitter users. Hence, the funniest tweets. It may not be science, but it works, people. If you strongly disagree with this list, well, you may be right, but you'll be hard-pressed to tell us these aren't 50 stellar tweets, no two ways about it.
I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
— Jason Berlin (@JasonBerlin) July 28, 2012
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
— donni (@donni) April 28, 2012
I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit
— 50cent (@50cent) August 26, 2010
"Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner."
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) December 13, 2012
I hate it when people.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 5, 2010
a dog slowly rolls past you in a red plastic baby car. this is a bad neighborhood
— wolf puppy (@wolfpupy) September 19, 2011
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
— Daniel Day Lube-this (@10InchesPlus) September 21, 2012
My "resumé" is just a VHS of me doing karate for 38 minutes.
— cgs. (@fightforfood) July 5, 2012
I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) October 4, 2011
Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 21, 2012
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 9, 2011
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.4yo: ..Me: ..4yo: ..Me: ..4yo: I don't have any other feet..Me: Fair enough.
— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) September 20, 2012
Karen on Facebook changed her relationship status to…"It's complicated."No, Karen. String theory is complicated. You're just a whore.
— Jessica (@Schmoodles) January 17, 2013
ice cubes are so hard son they float around in they own blood
— BILL NYE THO (@Bill_Nye__Tho) November 19, 2012
icant come to work today.. on account of JERRY DUTY *SHoves every seinfeld disk into dvd player at once*
— wint (@dril) December 4, 2010
Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "The The Angels Angels"?
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) July 11, 2012
Please take a day and tag everyone in all of your FB photos as "Prophet Mohammed."
— Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) September 19, 2012
There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 15, 2012
You clearly cared that jimmy cracked corn enough to write a fucking song about it.
— Jeremy Smith (@JeremyInKC) March 25, 2012
50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) May 11, 2012
Febreeze just makes my bathroom smell like I took a shit in Hawaii.
— Chris Young (@CYComedy) October 16, 2012
You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
— Bacon Ball (@Bacon_Ball) April 3, 2012
They say penis size is related to shoe size. Which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.
— Leslie Chow (@ThisLeslieChow) March 27, 2012
Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, fuck you Pringle's.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 17, 2012
viagra is caps lock for ur dick
— egg dog (@egg_dog) September 12, 2012
The shitty thing about being bipolar is that it's fucking awesome.
— Urban Douchebag (@UrbanDouchebag) January 19, 2012
Just gonna write in, Springsteen/Seger 2012, on my ballot. And sign it on behalf of the USA, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) October 4, 2012
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 18, 2012
I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 13, 2012
This Mexican restaurant doesn't serve chips and salsa so I guess people can just do whatever the fuck they want now?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 8, 2012
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 1, 2012
If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.
— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) July 21, 2011
Just finished my "Dexter"-inspired screenplay about a rapist who only rapes rapists! Wish me luck!
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) November 27, 2010
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 9, 2011
If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) January 13, 2013
There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect
— Token Geezer (@Token_Geezer) August 2, 2012
Good news! My girlfriend is graduating high school. She's the first in our family to do so.
— Chief Twittler (@ChiefTwittler) June 1, 2012
Well behaved women rarely make browser history.
— I Hate Kate (@SuperApple8) August 25, 2012
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 19, 2012
Anderson Cooper: "Also, my face was carved by angels."
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) July 2, 2012
"&" looks like a little person sitting down and checking their shoe to see if there's dog shit on it.
— John Brennan (@ActingAnEejit) July 14, 2012
You can tell a lot about a person by reading her emails.
— Jason Mustian(@jasonmustian) February 28, 2010
RIP Leslie Neilsen. You're trending for a third day on Twitter, which is a website for micro-blogging, but that's not important right now.
— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) November 30, 2010
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
— Travis Bowe (@BoweKnows) April 6, 2012
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2013
When your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is not "No, I just lie there."
— Jelisa Castrodale (@gordonshumway) February 25, 2010
Reporter 1: “Why wasn’t I chosen as sexiest man alive?” Reporter 2: “So many people would have to die.”
— Overheard Newsroom (@OHnewsroom) November 17, 2011
Only spell it "errbody" if literally every person in the club is gettin' tipsy. #GreatestHits
— Fake AP Stylebook (@FakeAPStylebook) October 1, 2011
I've got 66 problems and being upside-down is one.
— Seagull de Gallo (@SeagullCharlie) November 27, 2012
I don't say I got drunk anymore. I say my personality was hacked.
— evil pete johansson (@escarius) January 28, 2013
Facebook's only purpose is to remind me that some girl I fingered in High School just turned 37.
— Sean Kent (@seankent) May 16, 2011