Well, Dan Marino has a love child and I think we all saw that coming. You can't be a football player and have a role in an Ace Ventura movie without attracting tons of attention from ladies across America.
And with that, Marino joins the illustrious fraternity of scumbag athletes who leave behind a legacy of sporting records and womanizing.
So who else is in this adult frat? We rounded up a list of the top 10 sex scandals in sporting history. Feel free to start each entry with the words "Dear Penthouse..."
1. Brett Favre Dick Pic
Brett Favre could have retired a football great. He was a two-time Super Bowl-starting quarterback (with one win), 11-time Pro Bowl selection and even a member of the NFL All-Decade '90s team. If you were a kid in Wisconsin from 1992 until 2007, it is safe to assume you had a Brett Favre poster hanging above your bed (that or a brick of cheddar cheese that you keep near your bed for late night snackin’). Sure, Favre did have that minor suspension due to a Vicodin addiction, but hey, who doesn't have a Vicodin addiction these days? He coulda been an NFL great. But he became greedy later in his career. He couldn’t let go of the fame that comes with being an NFL QB. Farve retired three years after he should have. Three insanely embarassing years (can I get an “amen” from my Jets and Vikings fans out there?).
The thing about Favre is that he didn’t just make a fool of himself on the field, he also made a fool of himself in front of the media. Favre allegedly sent inappropriate text messages to Gameday host and football hottie, Jen Sterger. He also supposedly sent Sterger a picture of his genitals (because if there is one thing that gets ladies in the mood, it is a blurry photo of Brett Favre’s Fum-BALLS).
Eventually, Favre fined $50,000 by the NFL for failing to cooperate with the investigation.
2. Henrik Lundqvist & the Princess of Sweden
For New York Rangers fans, Swedish-born goalie Henrik Lundqvist is the greatest thing to happen the Big Apple since that subway grate blew wind up Marilyn Monroe’s dress. He is an amazing goalie, a great leader and for all the ladies out there, he was named one of People’s sexist people in 2006.
Henrik also led Sweden to a gold medal in 2006, which gave him huge national acclaim from hockey fans and smokin' hot lady people as well. And the smokin'-est most ladiest smokin' hot Swedish lady of all took notice.
In 2010, Lundqvist caused a Swedish national scandal when rumors emerged that he had been foolin’ around with the Swedish princess, Princess Madeleine. Lundqvist and the royal Swedish family were quick to come out against the rumors, but let's be honest, it TOTALLY happened. How do I know? Because this is what super-wealthy super-hot Swedish people do! I’ve seen wayyyyy too many Dolph Lundgren movies to be convinced otherwise.
3. Manti Te’o and Whatever the Hell Happened
Gonna level with you guys here, I have no idea what happened down in Notre Dame and let's be honest, neither do you. This story has taken more twists and turns than a roller coaster and has left everyone woefully unsatisfied like we just ate something with tofu as the main ingredient. Is Manti Gay? Is he just super stupid? Is this what being a Mormon is like?
Soo many questions and soo few answers.
One thing is certain, Manti Te’o looks like a human lego person.
4. Duke Lacrosse Team Accused of Raping Stripper
Although there is much of the case that remains a mystery, the Duke Lacrosse case will go down as one of the most embarrassing NCAA scandals in history.
A bunch of Duke Lacrosse players came to the conclusion that there is no better way to celebrate being white and good at a sport that no one really cares about than hiring a stripper. They ordered a lady whose first name is Crystal, and she showed up to the Duke house to get her strip on. This is where things get fuzzy. She claimed she was raped, and there was the implication that it was a hate crime (she was an African-American).
Charges were eventually dropped (the initial prosecutor was later disbarred), the season was canceled, and sale of Duke Lacrosse apparel tripled in the campus store. No word on when the Lifetime original movie “When Fun La-CROSSES the line: The Duke Lacrosse Story.”
5. Marv Albert Goes Bananas on Some Lady
Before we start this, let's just remember that Marv Albert has one of the most iconic voices in sports broadcasting history. Now imagine his voice leaving dirty voicemails on your cell phone. Well, that was the least of what he was accused of doing back in the '90s.
From 1993 until 1997, here is a small list of stuff he was accused of by several women:
- Forced Sodomy
- Biting a lady on her back
- Biting another lady on the back
- “Unwanted sexual advances”
- Faxing a lady saying that he wanted her to find him because he was only wearing “White Panties and a Garter Belt”
- Charges of assault and battery
What is most interesting about this list is that Albert was sexting before texting was even around! Marv Albert: An American Innovator.
6. Tiger Woods & All of the Women of California
If you were a lady in California there is a 37 percent chance you have seen Tiger Woods naked.
Weirdest part of the story: Elin took Tiger back! The couple recently got back together and Tiger ended up dominating at Torrey Pines (which is a golf course, not a lady) soon after. They may even get married again (with a $200 million prenup and $350 million cheating clause).
7. Fritz Peterson & Mike Kekich Do Some Hippy Crap
Fritz and Mike are the Shaq and Kobe of weird hippy stuff in baseball. The two were pitchers for the Yankees back in 1973 who were known for being best friends. In fact, one can argue that these two were the best best-friends in the history of best friends.
The two famously announced that they swapped wives during spring training ... permanently. They swapped wives, then houses and then (no joke) their children. Peterson ended up marrying Kekich’s wife (Kekich didn’t end up marrying the former Mrs. Peterson) and the couple had four children together.
8. Joe Namath Drunk
Watch this video. No, I won’t be explaining it. Just watch it.
9. Ben Roethlisburger Accused of Rape
Ben Roethlisburger has already solidified himself as one of the greatest players in Steelers history. Super Bowl rings and records set this lumbering QB heads above other passers from his era.
But Big Ben came under fire in '09 when a bunch of women said he raped them. He was never convicted because of the whole “we don’t say no to Big Ben” law that the city of Pittsburgh adopted in 2007.
10. Kobe Bryant & the Big Ass Ring He Got His Wife
Kobe cheated on his wife and then bought her a $12 billion dollar ring.
As a man, I think I speak for all men when I say “Cmooooonnn Kobe! You’re killin’ me!” When husbands/BFs do something wrong, a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolate were the only things keeping us from being banished to the couch.
Because of Kobe, now we have to buy a friggin’ Maserati every time we accidently take a glance at a Hooters waitress or don’t refer to Olivia Munn as “that girl from TV who I guess is pretty but is for sure not my type.” Cmooooonnn Kobe! Why you gotta be like that?!
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .