15 Weird and Badass Facts About the Ancient Olympics

<b>The Olympics Occurred in the Buff</b> In kind-of-weird-but-it-kind-of-makes-sense-to-me news, the ancient Greek tradition of athletic nudity is believed to have started around 720 BC. It is also hypothesized that the practice was most likely introduced by Spartans, the fathers of bad assery (and in this case buck naked-assery). Competing naked was thought as tribute to the gods, which sounds totally conceited and ridiculous until you consider that these were sculpted athletes who had not yet heard of high fructose corn syrup and Wendy's Baconator. So, it probably was pretty impressive. They're just some athletic dudes trying to show off their ancient swell, you know? If I was Zeus I'd be impressed. I'd bless their harvests or whatever.

<b>Married Women Were Outcast</b> Because of all the aforementioned statuesque, god-tribute male nudity, married women were prohibited from attending the Olympic games under penalty of death. Nothing like finding out your wife went to see the 100-meter hurdles and then having to stone her to death for it. Tramps, am I right?

<b>Athlete Dudes Hid the Tip </b> Continuing the topic of athletic naked dudes showing off their ancient six packs, some of the more skittish athletes opted for the fashionably functional kynodesme. What's the kynodesme you ask? Well, it's a handy strip of leather / cord / string you tie around your waist. But wait, that's not all! You also grab alllll your foreskin (no circumcisions in Ancient Greece!) and pinch it together, you then tie a knot around that pinched foreskin, giving your Spartan Lance a 12 o'clock disposition. Your Olympic Javelin will now look like an oddly filled, flesh-colored balloon, and it will probably be very uncomfortable while you perform strenuous physical activities, but hey, now no one in the all-male crowd will catch a glimpse of the tip of your penis!

<b>The Word Gymnasium Has a Strange Derivation</b> Ah the gymnasium, every school kid's favorite place to be. In a strange Sandusky twist, the word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymnos” which translates to nude. The literal meaning of “gymnasium”? School For Naked Exercise. This comes from the practice of ancient Olympic athletes participating in the games nude, which I have dedicated a large majority of this list to for some reason. I'm not gay. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. It's like how dick jokes are funny to me you know? Uh... let's just move on to the next fact.

<b>The Ancient Olympics Had the Most Badass Boxing Ever</b> While researching this list, I found out a lot of things, but nothing moreso than the fact that ancient Greek athletes were complete and utter badasses. One of the many examples of this is the ancient Olympic boxing matches. The bouts had no rounds and simply lasted until a competitor was knocked out cold. If the fight was taking too long and the crowd got bored, they would go into a “sudden death” situation. Each boxer would take turns punching each other in the head until someone collapsed. Basically what we call “Punch-for-Punch” but with your face as opposed to your arm. God, we're such pussies.

<b>Mixed Martial Arts Was a Staple of the Original Olympic Games</b> The ancient event Pankration was the old-school version of MMA. It was a combination of wrestling and boxing, both of which were their own separate events at the ancient Olympic games. Pankration also included things like arm-twisting, biting, kicking, stangleholds, crotch-punching, finger-breaking, throat punches, purple nurples, and probably indian burns. The only thing that was completely forbidden was eye-gouging. That sorta thing is just uncalled for.

<b> Plato Could Probably Kick Your Ass</b> The famous philosopher Plato was also a total badass, winning Pankration twice.

<b>Ancient Greek Wrestling Was No Joke</b> Ancient Greek wresting was the second most manly and badass thing you could do next to being Plato and winning Pankration twice. For starters, submission holds were allowed and encouraged. Any kind of cheap shot or foul play would be punished by the referee who would simply whip you with a stick until you stopped being a dickhead and wrestled fair again.

<b>The Ancient Games Had Deadly Referees</b> Even the ancient Olympic referees and officials were bad ass! Each official carried a 5 and a half pound discus to deter cheating. So if you were spotted cheating 20 yards off, these officials would wind up and hurl a giant clay discus at your face. I don't know if I'm more impressed by the accuracy involved or the athleticism involved to actually hit a target. Probably both. Ancient Olympic refs were all individual Batmans.

<b> The Ancient Olympics Hated Cowards</b> Ancient Greece took their Olympic games seriously as hell. They were so serious that if you backed out of the competition because of an injury or sickness, they would fine you for cowardice.

<b> The Fine For Cheating Was Extremely Hefty</b> Statues of Zeus lined the athletes' path into the Olympia stadium as a somber reminder of how you would pay out of your ass in the event that you were caught cheating. Each of the statues were funded by the hefty fines dolled out by Olympic officials who would doll out the fine after breaking the cheaters face with their discus.

<b>No One Knows the Origins of the Olympics</b> No one knows the origins of the very first Olympic games. There is the rumor (alright, alright, “myth” if want to get all semantic on me) that Hercules (the half-man/half-god son of Zeus and star of the self-titled 1997 Disney animated movie) ran a race in Olympia and decreed that it had to be repeated every four years. Oddly specific if you ask me, but it sounds legit.

<b>Ancient Olympic Runners Had Strange Starting Positions</b> This sounds pretty derpy and may be the only instance where the modern Olympic athlete doesn't look like a complete wimpy nerd in comparison, but ancient Olympic racers had a starting position that resembled something you would expect to find in a Will Ferrel man-child movie. It was customary to have your starting position be fully erect with your arms stretched out forward in front of you. Yes, like Frankenstein. Nowadays, the modern racing starting position looks like some kind of combination between the physical body, mathematical angles, and science.

<b>Theodosius I Was A Dick</b> Following the historical trend that religious zealots and fanatics suck the most, the Christian-convert Roman Emperor Theodosius I suspended all Olympic games in 393 AD. His grounds for abolishing the ancient tradition of athletic greatness was that the games were too pagan. This ban effectively lasted until 1896 when the Olympic Games we've come to know now were revived. Dick move, Theodosius I.