<em>*Editors note: the following article is satire, an understanding of sarcasm is required. Most of these animals are endangered.</em> There are lots of animals on this planet, probably like over a 1,000! While most of them are totally awesome and super cute, some of them are not, and are straight losers with a capital "L". These animals don't do any cool tricks and have absolutely no swag. Just looking at them can ruin your day, ugh.

<strong>Star Nosed Mole:</strong> Daaayum, son!! I about had a heart attack when I saw this animal's picture. Its entire face looks like Predator's vagina. Get your ugly ass back underground where nobody will have to see you, Star Nosed Mole.

<strong>Aye-Aye:</strong> Who let this Ross Perot looking rat in the zoo?! Now there's less room for the cute animals like lion cubs and penguins. Why can't you be a cute penguin, Aye-Aye? Oh, I know, cuz you SUUUUUUUUUCK!

<strong>Blobfish:</strong> Damn, Blobfish, your face is a straight up FAIL! It looks like God blew his nose and decided to make it a fish. You way too ugly to be on the Red Lobster menu, not even Long John Silvers wants your slimy looking ass.

<strong>Elephant Seal:</strong> Look at this dumb looking seal, it looks like somebody's been punching its nose since it was born. I bet it can't even play horns like those cute seals at Sea World. You would never make it on <em>America's Got Talent</em>, Elephant Seal. And don't worry, nobody's gonna be clubbing your babies, they ain't even cute enough to be a fur coat!

<strong>Matamata Turtle:</strong> Mata-mata-wtf?! It's entire neck looks like Shrek's dick. Look at it just lying there, it can't even ride a skateboard or bust out some awesome nunchuck tricks. I bet you NEVER get laid, Matamata Turtle! HAHAHAHA!!!

<strong>Northern Stargazer:</strong> Yo, Northern Stargazer, everything about the Blobfish applies to you. KILL YO SELF!!!

<strong>Naked Mole Rat:</strong> What the hell is wrong with you, Naked Mole Rat?! Nobody wants to see your gross, wrinkly ass naked. You look like an old man's nutsack with teeth. Put some clothes on before I have your perverted ass arrested for indecent exposure!!

<strong>Turtle Frog:</strong> What's up with all these animals looking like private parts? Are they trying to make me puke all over my keyboard? What the hell are you, Turtle Frog, are you a turtle or a frog? You can't be both! Ahh, forget it, you're just an ugly turd that I wanna punt like a football.