Astronomers or possibly astrologers posing as astronomers with fancy pants degrees and giant telescopes in Minnesota have "discovered" that the stars have shifted since the ancient Babylonians came up with the whole concept of zodiac signs. You thought you were a modest and shy Virgo, but it turns out you're really a Libra with a tendency to overreact and cry for no apparent reason. So what does all this mean?
In short, your whole life and every event and trait that made you who you are was wrong. Likes, dislikes, weaknesses and strengths - all a hollow sham brought on by the universe. How did this happen and what is going to change?
Ancient Babylonians based zodiac signs on the constellation the sun was in on the day a person was born. Over time the moon's gravitational pull caused the earth's axis to wobble a bit and bump the zodiac calender by about a month. Basically the moon's fat ass knocked the earth off its balance, making that Taurus tattoo you got last summer obsolete. Oh, and there's a new sign called Ophiuchus to add further confusion to the mess. Let's cover a few things that this new zodiac calender means.
Your Spouse Is Now A Stranger
Your spouse who you thought was your soulmate according to the stars is now just a complete stranger that you sleep and watch Mad Men with. How are you even supposed to look this charlatan in the eye now that everything about them, and you has changed? Don't get too upset that you're now headed for a divorce, look at this as an opportunity to go crazy and bang as many people as possible in a search for your new soulmate. Tell people being a whore is a just a trait of your new sign and perfectly reasonable.
Psychics Have A Legitimate Reason For Being Wrong
No wonder Miss Cleo could never accurately predict your future success. You were giving her the wrong zodiac sign all along. Those tarot cards aren't magic you know... well, they are, but it's important the correct cards are matched with your sign. Now that you finally know your sign, there's no reason not to get on the phone or run down to the closest gypsy camp and get a palm reading. When the psychic says you'll meet a tall dark stranger offering you great wealth you can finally believe them. Get ready for endless riches and good fortune!
You'll Now Win The Lottery
You've got good reason to be frustrated over the thousands of dollars you've spent on lotto tickets, roulette and horse racing - you were playing the wrong lucky numbers all along, silly. Finally, it all makes sense why you haven't won the $23 million jackpot yet. Now that you know your TRUE sign though, you can finally cash in on that big money that's been just out of grasp all these years. Hooray, you'll be able to repay your kid after blowing his college fund on "pot o' gold" tickets. But then again, if you blow your millions on strippers and speedboats that's understandable too. Being financially irresponsible is one of your new zodiac traits.
Ophiuchus Is The New Kid On The Block
If you were once a Sagittarius, you're now probably a part of this new and misunderstood zodiac group called Ophiuchus. Little is know about Ophiuchus (since it was discovered yesterday) but what we do know is that Snooki happens to be one. So, yea, you're pretty much fu%$*.