Terry Jones, that crazy pastor down in Florida who wants to burn the holy hell out of a bunch of copies of the Quran, apparently changed his mind after talking with an Imam who supposedly told him that in order to appease him the planned mosque near Ground Zero would be moved. This, of course, is utterly ridiculous. Unfortunately, Jones is a man with delusions of grandeur and he's now insisting that he's been lied to - well, as much as a man can be lied to about the terms of a fictitious conversation that he made up in his own addled brain.
So now Terry Jones is back to making a bunch of dumb noise about burnin' some books for Jesus or some such gibberish, and now he's all self righteous because he thinks he's been lied to. Great. Maybe Fred Phelps can stop by and accuse the fire of being gay while we're at it. I just hope that Jones and his followers made sure to wash their white bed sheets in bleach. Those things have to look good for the television cameras.
But maybe we can still delay this after all. We've already seen that Jones is a man who is willing to bend for the right promise. Maybe we can keep telling him what he wants to hear and that by the time he figures out he's been "lied to" again, he'll have forgotten what he was all worked up about in the first place and move on to persecuting midgets for being impure or something. But just what could we possibly promise him to keep him from carrying out his retarded inferno?
- Airplanes will be forever grounded and torn apart for being "vessels of evil."
- New York will be sold to Canada on account of the fact that it is a "den of sin."
- Canada will be invaded and turned into a desolate wasteland because it is a "haven for liberal nancy-boys."
- Free white bed sheets and white hoods for him and his whole congregation for an entire year.
- A box full of brand new crosses to burn in front lawns.
- Nascar's season will be extended so that it is year round and twice a week and Jeff Gordon will be crucified for the crime of being "the son of a rich boy."
- President Obama will be charged with the crime of "being black in public."
- A time machine will be built to bring back the following men: Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and former Alabama Governor George Wallace. (Note: This would end badly when even Davis and Lee would look at Jones and ask "What are you, some kind of racist idiot?")
- The Middle East will be erased from all American school books and children will be taught that it is actually the site of The Garden of Eden and that God has built a giant wall around the whole region to keep sinners out.
- Any woman who works outside of the house or who wears pants will be declared a witch and burned. (For some reason, I really think he'd respond favorably to the idea of something being burned. Call me crazy.)
- Satan has been arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
- Jesus will come over for a beer and Sunday brunch at least twice a month.
- Every book published will be changed so that Jesus is the main character. Christian Bale will play Jesus in the refilming of American Psycho.
- Pizza Hut will bring back The Bigfoot Pizza.
- Lindsay Lohan will get the help she needs.
- A one way ticket to the Arctic so he can start his own church amongst the polar bears and killer whales.
Look, all we have to do is promise these things to Terry Jones and I'm sure he'd back right off his promise to burn a whole bunch of copies of the Quran. And if not, well, let's send him to the Arctic anyway. Deal?
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