3. LINDSAY LOHAN
If Heavy's voluminous coverage of the trials (literally) and tribulations of Lindsay Lohan aren't enough, let us remind you of the facts. Once, there was a girl with fire red hair and giant boobs who had the world completely by the balls. She had made her name for herself as a child actress and then managed to successfully make the leap into adult stardom (No, not like that. Well, not yet anyway.) She was beautiful, famous and it seemed like she could ride the wave of being America's preeminent starlet for years to come. Of course, then she decided she loved the taste of sweet, sweet booze and, uh, perhaps some other, harder stuff. She descended into an utter parody of a starlet, looking like a disaster wherever she went, like she was one small step away from being caught in an alley blowing a bum for a couple of hits off the pipe. This all culminated, finally, in Lindsay being sent to jail for being an inveterate degenerate. It seemed like she had nowhere to go but up. Of course, somehow, her doctors in her rehab facility declared that, hey, she's not a drug addict at all! What do you know? It seems that, according to them anyway, she was just misdiagnosed with attention deficit disorder or malaria or split personality disorder or with aggravated fire crotch or whatever the hell gibberish she managed to get out of them. This will likely cause Lohan to become all self righteous and refuse to admit that she has a problem which means that we have a lot more of this crap to go through before she actually hits rock bottom. And considering that she just got out of jail, has no career and is considered virtually unemployable, that's kinda saying something, you know?
2. MICHAEL JACKSON
Michael, Michael, Michael. So sad. Once upon a time, Michael Jackson was the biggest star in the world. Everything he did turned to gold. He helped usher in the age of the music video with Thriller and Billie Jean, he brought us the moonwalk and he made people across the world go crazy with just a brief appearance and a shy smile. Of course, he also made himself go crazy. And we all knew it. Still, despite all the Elephant Bones, the skin whitening, the oxygen chambers, the pet chimps, the weird friendships with midgets and Corey Feldman, the weirdly high voice, the rampant plastic surgery, etc., he was still Michael Jackson and he was still ubertalented and still capable of enthralling the entire world with that talent. And then some kids came out and said that he liked to sling his penis around and make them drink wine and ride the, uh, rides at Neverland. After that, his career and his life were never the same. He just got freakier and freakier and most people couldn't think about him without thinking of him serenading a ten year old leukemia patient and Bubbles the Chimp without pants on. But he was still Michael Jackson. He was just Michael Jackson, eccentric old rich dude instead of Michael Jackson, superstar. But then somehow, the dude went broke. Maybe it costs more than we think to feed a chimp and maybe it was a hit to the pocketbook to store up kegs of Jesus Juice and operate a theme park at his home designed to lure, er I mean, enthrall all the little boys who he loved so dearly. Still, the dude made so much money that it was bizarre to think of him as being capable of going bankrupt. But by the end, that's all he was - broke and a pariah. Even his death was sordid and weird. The details of it haven't been completely sorted out, but no one expects it to be just an ordinary overdose. After all, he's Michael Jackson and he's just too damn weird. And that, sadly, is his legacy.
1. MEL GIBSON
The only reason Michael Jackson wasn't number one on this list is because, somehow, there were a lot of idiots out there who could delude themselves into thinking that there wasn't anything wrong with him. To them, he was still the King of Pop. Not so with the winner (or loser, I guess) of this list, Mel Gibson. Indeed, Mel's latest round of insane and racist and misogynistic outbursts, all lovingly recorded by his aggrieved lady friend, Oksana Grigorieva, has left him absolutely bereft of fans. Well, maybe he still has some fans in white hoods or Nazi uniforms, but beyond that, no one likes the dude anymore. It all started for Mel around the time of his controversial film The Passion of the Christ, which seemed to have anti-semitic undertones. Mel didn't help this by behaving, well, like an anti-semite, famously ranting about Jews and also cops named Sugar Tits when he was arrested for drunkenly driving around Malibu. Still, he managed to hold onto a sliver of his career. After all, he was Mad Max and the star of the Lethal Weapon franchise, among other successes. It was going to be hard for him to completely disintegrate. Hard, but not impossible, as we have seen over the last several awe inspiring months. How can Mel Gibson possibly come back from this? I mean, how could anyone even take him seriously in a porno flick let alone something legitimate? The man's career is utterly dead, his life is in tatters and he would probably be pelted by garbage just walking down the street at this point. Yup, that's good enough for number one on this list.