Every so often, which is whenever or just literally not at all, you find yourself at that point in your life when the shore is a distant mile away, the ocean spray is flecking up your sunglasses, and you find yourself faced with a decision, and that decision is the decision of what to do on the speedboat you are on. It can be hard to make decisions for yourself during such action-packed times, which is why we proffer to you today this quick reference to help you make an educated decision about what to do while in the heat of nautical excursion.
Shoot the other secret agent, watch him fall into the water
There’s no better time than when standing on the deck of a speedboat traveling through international waters to cooly draw the pistol secreted in the lapel of your tuxedo, level it at the man standing across the deck from you, and fire it into his chest. After you’ve done this be sure to smirk grimly as you watch his lifeless form topple into the water.
Throw a grenade at Jaws
You might be on a speedboat because Jaws is nearby and you are trying to kill Jaws, as Jaws’ appearance has been recorded as occurring as frequently as something like five times per decade. You should if this is your goal have brought some form of high explosive, preferably a grenade, with you, because Jaws is huge. Most sharks will only eat fish or like, pieces of steak you throw in the water, but Jaws will just bite right into anything including your speedboat, so when he starts gaining on you and opens his mouth to eat your boat, just go ahead and toss a grenade right in there. This is a great way to kill Jaws, and an overall great use of a speedboat.
Clamp a cigarette tightly between your lips
This one is for smokers only. Be wearing blue blockers and a windbreaker. Light a cigarette, and accelerate the boat to it’s maximum speed. Hold the cigarette firmly and purposefully in your mouth, not allowing wind resistance to knock it loose. Focus intensely on the horizon. Squint. That should look pretty cool.
Lose control of the speedboat on a speedboat ramp
By gunning the engine on an insanely tricked out speedboat to an insanely high speed and just insanely colliding with an insanely steep ramp it’s possible to make your speedboat totally uncontrollable and cause it to flip insanely through the air and land upside down in the water where it will insanely somehow burst into flames. I know this is possible because I have seen a video of it. I’m not saying I would do this, but if you want to be someone who does, I guess you could probably get to.
Throw a bundle of cocaine from the speedboat
Whether you’re on the run from the DEA, trying to screw over a cartel, or just saying no to drugs in a way that is as exciting as possible, there’s really no more dynamic and inspiring way to do it than by hurling a huge thing of cocaine, probably a brick of it, over the side of a moving speedboat. No one’s getting that coke now, not the cops, not some guy who everyone just calls Sosa or Mendoza or whatever, definitely not the kids at the local park This is excellent speedboat usage.
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