Baseball fans are all up in arms because Derek Jeter, the iconic shortstop for the New York Yankees, claimed to be hit by a pitch that replays showed never touched him. Jeter carried on in seeming pain for the benefit of the idiot umpire who told him to take his base and even got his trainer out to look at him even though he knew the ball never touched him. People who hate Jeter are calling him a cheater, but people who love him are calling him a great actor and a savvy ball player who did what it took to win. But really, this is all much ado about nothing, as Jeter is just the latest Yankee great to pull the wool over the eyes of fans everywhere.
- Yogi Berra was actually a certified genius named Wallace Remington III who worked as a secret agent for the British government. He was said to be the inspiration for James Bond and supposedly hated his cover as a Yankee great. His famous witticisms were in fact an ironic commentary on his distaste for what he termed in private letters as "the ignorant banality of the American public."
- Lou Gehrig died nobly from Lou Gehrig's disease - or at least that's what he wanted you to believe. The rumor is that Gehrig had contracted what his doctor's termed "mega-syphilis", which rapidly took his life. It would seem that Gehrig was a chronic whore monger, and he was said to collect the panties of his conquests like baseball cards, which he would then trade with his teammates in the clubhouse. He was also said to be sexually insatiable and would go through 7 or 8 whores a night. This is where the real inspiration for his nickname "The Iron Horse" came from.
- Joe Dimaggio was actually a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. These personalities manifested themselves as his brothers, "Dom" and "Vic", who were both celebrated professional ball players in their own right. The truth is that Dom and Vic never existed and were in fact Joe, who's disorder was so extreme that he managed to actually fool a lot of people with the ruse.
- Mickey Mantle was America's golden boy who is considered perhaps the most naturally gifted baseball player who ever lived but if rumors are to be believed, Mantle's true talents lay in the art of sadomasochism. Indeed, amongst the other Yankees, dark rumors of gimps being stuffed in "pleasure chests" were rampant, and it was even believed by some that Roger Maris' career degenerated quickly after he made the mistake of striking up a friendship with Mantle, who would spend long nights horse whipping a tied up Maris and tugging at a monster erection. He was later said to be the inspiration for the character of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.
- Babe Ruth was actually a failed government science experiment. As a baby, scientists tried to splice a human's genes with that of a pig and that of a gorilla. The result was the baby Ruth. This is why Ruth was raised in an orphanage, as his birth parents were so horrified by their scientifically engineered baby, who they claimed was unholy and "of the devil." Unfortunately, the experiments produced no real results of interest. The only effects of the experiment seemed to be slightly elevated strength and an odd proclivity for hot dogs, which puzzled and disgusted scientists since Ruth was part pig and therefore a cannibal. When he died, his body was burned as an abomination and a priest was called in to "purify" the ashes which were sealed in a lead chest and sunk to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.
As you can see, Derek Jeter is just the latest in a long line of Yankee greats who pulled the wool over the eyes of an adoring public. Some may say that he is a cheater, but perhaps he is just the inheritor of a legacy far greater than himself. In any event, this incident proves that Derek Jeter is indeed one of the great New York Yankees of all time.
