Tea Party darling and Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell has come under fire for comments she made on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in 1999 that seemed to indicate that she had dabbled in witchcraft. Of course.
Naturally, Tea Party zealots are horrified by this admission, since they are all basically the spiritual and intellectual descendants of those fine people of Salem who burned the hell out of those poor ladies back in the day for aggravated witchery. Meanwhile, Tea Party opponents are all pointing and laughing, which is probably a mistake since Christine O'Donnell will turn you into a dickless tree frog if you piss her off.
At this point, O'Donnell's best chance at recovering the support of her base is to admit the witchery but to explain that she only performed "white magic" as opposed to the Un-American "black magic" favored by the godless liberals currently rampaging through whatever's left of the nation's moral fiber. But just what exactly does "white magic" entail? Well, thankfully, we here at Heavy have a licensed witch on staff. She insists that she's just a woman, but she believes in things like a woman's right to vote and that she should get paid just as much as a man, so obviously she must be a witch. And after rolling her eyes at me and calling me an asshole, she agreed to help out and reveal to the world the secrets of "white magic."
- An experienced practitioner of white magic can make anything funny, like Cathy or The Family Circus. Sure, you may just stare at those strips stone-faced now, but after a hit of white magic, you'll be laughing your ass off.
- One of the most insidious spells used by white magic witches is one that makes their victims really, really care about their lawns, particularly the height and color of their grass. They just sit back and watch while the white magic victim slowly goes insane trying to root out moles and make sure that their irrigation system for their underground sprinkling is better than all their neighbors. Terrifying!
- White magic witches like Christine O'Donnell are adept at cooking up spells that make everyone they can point their wands at Presbyterian or Lutheran.
- White magic witches like to brag that they are "Born-again" witches and then they never shut the hell up about it.
- One of the most heavily used spells by white witches is a spell that allows its user to love golf. It doesn't necessarily make you a better golfer - it's just a spell, not a miracle - but damn, will you ever love to play 18 holes whenever you can. See also: corresponding spells for tennis and curling.
- White magic witches love to find a large crowd of people and then hit them with a spell that causes them to take off their shirts and drunkenly hoot and holler while cars drive by in a big circle. This is called the "Nascar spell."
- White magic witches love to claim that their spells are inherently superior to those of every other brand of witchcraft. They think that black magic users are lazy and violent, and that while yellow magic users are smart and hardworking, they are also sneaky and untrustworthy. Who knew there was such a rivalry amongst witches?
- White magic witches are particularly skilled at turning their victims into smug, smarmy, self righteous assholes. One day, you're just a cool dude or lady dude walking down the street, the next day you're shaking your head at anyone who needs a helping hand and teaching your children that the poor are all just lazy drug addicts. Behold the power of white magic.
Well there you have it. Those are just a few of the secrets of "white magic." And even though Christine O'Donnell might try to distance herself from the witchcraft in her past, it's important that everyone understands just what it is that she represents. The Family Circus, Nascar, golf, well manicured lawns: these are the backbones of white magic, and as an admitted white witch, these are the beliefs and ideals that Christine O'Donnell will fight for. I just hope the Tea Party is ready for that sort of radical thinking.