Your next college semester begins in one week. Are you still wondering what classes you should take? If you’re like me, you probably are, although unlike me, your wondering is probably more akin to genuine bafflement instead of just blithely thumbing through class brochures while you manicure your nails and check on how your stocks are doing. Fear not, I’ve written a guide to many of the classes you might be considering.
Names can be misleading. This class, while it does involve a lot of creative writing, concentrates the bulk of that writing in critiques of your classmates’ stories, where your creativity will be put to the test in finding ways to stifle the urge to call them pretentious twats. On the plus side, a lot of girls take this class, so if you’re the lonely bookish type who thinks the waitress at the coffee shop would totally dig you if she could just read the dark musings of your troubled mind, you can take this class and find out, categorically, that you’re wrong. And that you write run-on sentences.
Intro to Philosophy
Do you like the internet, but wish it would take that next leap into a three-dimensional world where you could argue with stoners and aspergers nerds in real-time without a fourth wall or odor screen? If so, then this is the class for you. In Intro to Philosophy you’ll learn cunning debating tactics like referencing The Matrix, the slippery slope, referencing The Matrix again, the strawman, and the lesser known wicker man, which involves putting your opponent’s head in a bee cage until they concede the argument. Also, expect your professor to be sort of a fruitcake who shares uncomfortable accounts of their personal life during lectures.
There’s also Advanced Philosophy, but in order to be an advanced philosopher you need to be free of sexual urges – and I’m pretty sure everyone reading this is only here because they found this site searching for upskirt photos of Jessica Alba.
Contemporary American Literature
Did you know that excluding Raymond Carver and maybe one or two other people America stopped producing contemporary literature around 1955? You’ll learn this and other exciting facts about late 19th and early 20th century dead guys in this class. You’ll also learn the meanings of a few literary terms, like metaphors, which are when you compare something to something else, and stream-of-consciousness, which is a metaphor for when your professor is talking about some famous homosexual poet and his words just flow through your ears like a river of muck because you’re too busy thinking about car chases or the cleavage sitting across from you to parse them.
This is the easiest class ever invented, because it’s all about your brain, meaning that anything you say in class or put on a test is correct, as long as you used your brain to come up with it. That said, I’d still smuggle a backup brain into class; that way you can fudge test answers while concurrently texting your friends and thinking about that girl in your creative writing class who’s also taking this class and who you’re still obsessed with.
Ethics is kind of a distant cousin of philosophy; the best way to understand their relationship is in terms of the old and new Futurama: ethics is like philosophy except slightly racier and more political and a little less fun but on the plus side with fewer nerds. Most of the class is spent discussing topical issues that polarize college students between nominally giving a crap and tripping over each other to make the edgiest joke about them. There’s a good chance that sexism will come up, so you might get to dust off that “rape is just surprise sex” chestnut you’ve been dying to use ever since the girl in your creative writing class said you were creepy and stopped talking to you.
Some Computer or Science Class that will Actually Get You a High-Paying Job
What are you, some kind of nerd? You won’t any meet girls in these classes. Go back to Halo 3 and stop wasting my time.