News flash: sitting in front of a computer makes you fat. If there were any cameras on Earth big enough to take a photograph of me, (which there isn't, because the Hubble telescope is busy), you'd see how true that is. But nobody takes this to the degree of Fatman. So morbidly obese that he stores Hot Pockets under his man-boobs (and if you think I'm kidding, you're wrong), this blubbery tornado of lard is a deeply insane attention whore with over 100 YouTube videos of his eating adventures. Watch a compilation of some of his scariest moments.
Oh, America - land of the free, home of the slutty. When Tila Nguyen's parents came to this land from Singapore, all they wanted was to make a better life for their family by working hard. So what happened to their daughter to make her one of the nuttiest attention whores the Internet has ever seen? Lord only knows. First coming to fame as the toast of Myspace (which is not anything to be proud of), Tila has gotten crazier and crazier over the years, from her bisexual reality show A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila to her recent engagement to dead heiress Casey Johnson and complete Twitter meltdown. My favorite recent Tila moment is a drug-addled Webcam strip show where she takes a huge bail off of the back of a chair - watch it here.
Oh, man, where to start with Kevin Havens? Asperger's Syndrome. Has sex with dolls. Writes fan fiction into the hundreds of pages in tribute to the movie Mannequin. Records concept albums about Vicki from Small Wonder. That should be enough, right? Wrong, broheim. Kevin's nadir came when he had a knock-down drag-out fight with his wheelchair-bound girlfriend (and meal ticket) over his dolls, following which she kicked him and his imaginary humpmates out of the house forever. Last heard, Kevin was living on the streets with his sex dolls and claiming to be "happily married and in Seventh Heaven" with one of them.
Okay, if you're like 50% of dudes, you've probably wished that your crank was bigger. But here's a sad piece of news: a big dong doesn't mean a happy life. Take it from Jonah Falcon. Declared by many to have the biggest Caucasian male unit in the world (a staggering thirteen point five inches), this chubby schlub has continually refused to use his endowments for porn, instead failing to even find employment as an online video game reviewer. Jonah is currently unemployed and hosting a public access call-in baseball show, where he is relentlessly pranked. Here's one such prank.
Madness and loserdom on the Internet takes a number of forms. For the fairer sex, they often get sucked into the endless morass of fandom, where Harry Potter or whatever childish obsession they have is forced to bend over backwards and take it up the butt to satisfy their demented sense of sexuality. Perhaps most notorious here is Snapesnogger, a weirdo who has churned out hundreds if not thousands of drawings of Harry Potter characters as pregnant female snakes. Reread that sentence a few times, won't you? Throw in huge hissyfits whenever anybody dares criticize them and you've got a fantastic drama queen trainwreck.