Bears are so smart that their inventions have been a constant boon to mankind since earliest days. Mankind’s favorite sport, wrestling, can be cited as being almost entirely a bear invention. Bears, like most geniuses, are natural pacifists, and in ancient times when humans used to try to run up on them to beat the tar out of them so they could steal their honey and drink it in front of their huge insane aggro bonfires, the typical bear response would be to simply throw them as hard as they could towards the sea, where the humans would usually land, due to the incredible power of bear arms. This maneuver was known as the bear throw. Sometimes these humans would return from the sea, seaweed wrapped fists spiked with shards of coral, still hungry for bear blood and now vengeance on bearkind as well, at which time what would usually happen is a bear would turn toward such an oncoming human, open it’s arms, and stonily embrace them in a vice-like grip. While slowly squeezing the human to death the bear would then whisper in bear, in a voice just barely audible above the sound of the human’s snapping bones and suffocated dying gasps, “I… ALWAYS… LOVED… YOU.”, a maneuver known as the bear hug, a variant of which is still used by modern wrestlers.
Equally noted among achievements of bearkind is the main bear contribution to the art world, The Country Bear Jamboree. Taking place in rural forest clearings and attended only by bears, these jamborees have been known to go on for weeks and can be noted by the sound of distant fiddling, though none who are attracted by this sound and enter the forest during a Country Bear Jamboree have ever returned. After seven weeks of continuing day and night, the fiddling suddenly ceases and the forest may be entered once more. If one travels to the center of the forest before the next rain, one will find there a broken fiddle bow lying in a pile of dead bees at the base of a tree carved with the cryptic inscription “BEAR REALITY”. Though terrifying to humans, elephants, and blue whales, these complex and macabre ceremonies of the ancient and powerful bears continue unabated to this day, and their chilling legacy is reflected in every facet of human expression.
Teddy Roosevelt once said “If I could get close enough to a bear to hug one I would, but even armed with a gun I fear to. Someone construct for me a small bear doll to hug in the stead of that act,” a proclamation which incited the invention of the teddy bear. It was moved by this same spirit that I recently created a Youtube video of a montage of photos of bears set to the song “Kiss Me Through The Phone” by Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, but even that wasn’t enough for me to express to bears how important they are to me, which is why I felt I had to write this article. Bears might live in caves, but on a deeper level, inside those caves, is where gold is, and that is what bears build their computers out of. If you are a bear and you are reading this article on your golden computer right now, know this: I love you.