The World Cup is underway, which is, according to my research, some sort of tournament wherein the participants are forced to run around in meaningless zigzags for two hours in order to keep away a horde of bees swarming around the stadiums and in which each game results in a tie. If you, like me, are accustomed to seeing games in which one team is actually determined to be better than the other, rather than every participant winning the equivalent of a "had the best time" trophy or a "got stung by the fewest bees" penicillin shot, or maybe you'd just like to see a game where a goal is scored as a result of something other than one of the players falling asleep on the field or getting distracted by a flower, then take advantage of this viewing guide I've put together to help maximize your enjoyment of "the beautiful game."
North Korea vs. Brazil - Tues., 2:30 P.M. ET
Brazilians have a long and proud history with the game of soccer, having long ago abandoned all public education and security spending in favor of spending their public money on training an elite squadron of soccer predators capable of scoring upwards of three goals per game. North Koreans have a history of famine and being killed arbitrarily by their dear leader. Most projections have the Brazilians winning this game by a score of at least 3 - 0, but these projections fail to anticipate the hunger of the North Koreans. That is to say, whether they choose to eat the grass on the field or the opposing squad could make all the difference as to whether they are stomped or able to upset the delicious, favored Brazilians.
Mexico vs. France - Thurs., 2:30 P.M. ET
This match pits two of history's fiercest enemies against one another in an opportunity to redress grievances left unredressed since the nations last clashed on the first Cinco de Mayo. Who breeds the sluttiest women? Whose rich are the most douchey? Whose underclass the most violent? Who cares? No matter who loses, America wins. USA! USA!
Slovenia vs. USA - Fri., 10:00 A.M. ET
Speaking of USA! USA!, If you don't like seeing American athletes mercilessly beat up on some European country that you've never heard of, then you are probably not actually American. Have you ever seen your birth certificate? Authentic American ones have a picture of a bald eagle ripping the heart out of an anthropomorphized map of Europe with its beak while it pulls a European woman's breasts from her blouse with its claws as she struggles to fellate it. I don't know what Slovenia's birth certificates look like, but if I had to guess, it's an extreme close-up of an eagle's nuts or belly-button and an accompanying feeling of excitement and shame.
Boston vs. Los Angeles., Tue., 9:00 P.M. ET
Has the World Cup inspired in you a curiosity about "passing", and you wonder what it would be like if athletes passed with a purpose, toward the goal, with the intention of scoring? And what is "scoring" anyway? Why not watch a game of basketball and find out?