Where Is Tony Hayward?

Published:9:01 am EDT, June 24, 2010| Updated:1:07 am EDT, June 24, 2010|
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BP CEO Tony Hayward

BP CEO Tony Hayward was  scheduled to speak on Tuesday at a meeting of big shots from all over the oil industry, but he's apparently canceled and gotten the hell out of town instead.  There are those who will beat on this poor, long suffering man for his cowardice in the face of extreme pressure, but let's be fair here.  I mean, a meeting of oil industry tycoons is basically a meeting of Bond villains.  At some point in that meeting, Tony Hayward was probably going to be poisoned and fed to piranhas or sliced apart by some weird diamond saw.

So, really, what we have here is a man on the run.  But where is he?  Some possibilities:

- On His Yacht. This is the obvious possibility, which means he isn't there.  By now, I'm guessing that thing has been rigged with more explosives than the back of ol' Timmy McVeigh's Ryder Truck.  He's making everyone else in the oil industry look bad and sinking a yacht to them is about as difficult as getting out of bed in the morning.

ODDS THAT THIS IS WHERE HE IS: 10-1

- In A Remote Village In The Himalayas. Tony Hayward has taken an absolute savaging in the press due to the fiasco in the Gulf and so it wouldn't be surprising if BP dragged him out of his home in the middle of the night, stuck him in a cargo plane, lashed a parachute to him and pushed him out somewhere over the Himalayas with a note attached to him saying that he is there to spread goodwill on behalf of the people of BP.  Of course, about an hour into digging a well in permafrost, good ol' Tony would probably be trying to make secret deals with the Yeti to get him out of there.

ODDS THAT THIS IS WHERE HE IS: 20-1

-In His Office Working, Trying To Figure This Darn Thing Out. And by trying to figure this thing out, I mean leering at his secretary and building model yachts.  I'm guessing that's about all he can do.  After all, just the word oil probably gives him hives.  A problem when you're, you know, in the oil industry.

ODDS THAT THIS IS WHERE HE IS: 5-1

- Hiding Out In His Home. I'd say there's a good chance that poor Tony is locked away in his bedroom, hiding under the bed and playing with old dolls or something.  After all, every time he makes the mistake of leaving the house, something goes horribly, horribly wrong.  At this point, if he stepped out and gave a wave to his neighbors, they would probably accuse him of doing a Nazi salute.

ODDS THAT THIS IS WHERE HE IS: 2-1

- In The Gulf, Helping To Clean Things Up. HAHAHAHAHA!  Uh, no.

ODDS THAT THIS IS WHERE HE IS: 1,000,000,000 - 1

Wait, this just in: It would seem that the official reason for Tony Hayward's cancellation is that he is 'too busy'.  According to Heavy's crack team of research scientists and probability experts, this likely means that he is weeping on the toilet, taking what we have just learned has been renamed "A Hayward."  I'm glad that we could clear this mystery up for the good of the nation and the world at large.

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