Meanwhile, Bella Swan wants to get laid, which I already mentioned. However Team Edward is very hesitant about this because what if he has a soul after all and then goes straight to hell because he boned before getting married? Now, I don’t want to sound presumptuous but Team Edward has killed people before and while I haven’t read Dante’s Inferno, I watched some of the trailers for the game based on it, so I’m an expert. This makes me pretty sure that there’s already a circle of hell for murderers. The fact that Team Edward changes his mind later about having sex with her before getting wicked married seems to confirm this, and we all know that vampires are much smarter than me because they’re vampires and therefore perfect, but only if they choose to kill endangered animals and eat them instead of people.
Wait, I’ve completely gotten lost here. What about the actual plot? I mentioned way back at the beginning of the article, if your eyes haven’t glazed over with hate yet, that there are vampires killing people in Seattle. They finally decide that it might be a good idea to go kill these other vampires, and also Bella Swan, because why not?

This means that Team Jacob and Team Edward have to be on the same Team for a while and go hide Bella Swan up in the mountains, where she’s about to die of hypothermia. Solution: Team Jacob, being a werewolf, is constantly running a fever. Obviously the reason why is so that he can climb into Bella Swan’s sleeping bag and think about boning her, all under the watchful eye of Team Edward. That’s probably the only thing that stops them from murdering each other, because that’s what you do when you’re in True Love with Bella Swan and have competition. Boys who are mythical creatures fight over you because you’re so beautiful and perfect (but also homely and clumsy, don’t forget).

So, there’s going to be a big dumb fight where the werewolfs and vampires cooperate together to kill these other vampires because these other vampires pose a threat to Bella Swan. Seriously. Anyway, Team Jacob threatens that he’s going to get himself killed unless his best friend, Bella Swan, says she totally loves him after all and then kisses him again. She does both reluctantly and then Team Jacob almost rapes her again, but that’s okay, because he’s not going to kill himself now. Then Team Edward says that Team Jacob was totally lying just to try and get into Bella Swan’s pants. Stay classy, Team Jacob!

Then they kill all the vampires and some werewolves and vampires do actually fistbump, which is kind of rad. I feel vindicated, very briefly. Then Team Jacob decides that he can’t bear the pain of ever seeing Bella Swan again and turns into a wolf, forever. By ‘forever’ I mean until the next book. We’re finally done. Thank god.

What did I leave out? Could I have talked more about how Stephanie Meyer has such a low opinion of women that she constantly leaves them unnamed in her dumb werewolf mythology? Maybe I should have written about how Bella Swan agonizes over getting into Dartmouth because it means Team Edward will want her to go to college for a couple years instead of getting vamped immediately. Or all of the hateful, sickeningly dumb Wuthering Heights-based conversations that Bella Swan and Team Edward have. Maybe the “chic rave” that the vampires hold for the entire graduating class of Bella Swan’s awesome high school. I definitely left out the part about vampire wars because they’re kind of awesome and would also make for a bad-ass movie about vampires fighting each other to control the world’s largest blood bank (Mexico) and I don’t want to give Stephanie Meyer any credit for writing something interesting and amusing. I guess I just did anyway.

So, join us next time on Heavy for psychic babies, vampire sadomasochism, extremely hot werewolf-on-baby action, c-section by teeth, and the most perfect and beautiful vampire ever. See you then, loyal readers!