Hollywood has done it again!  Thanks to the rampaging internet pirates stealing their lovingly crafted works of art, the shadowy cabal that runs Tinseltown decided that they needed to get more extreme with the promotion of their films.  It all started by getting drunk on grain alcohol and all hopped up on goofballs and taking a speedboat out into the middle of the Gulf, where they sank an oil well with some illegal fireworks bought in Tijuana.  And moments later, Oil Spill, Top Kill, the new thriller starring Jean-Claude Van Damme was born.

Of course, in order for this brilliant new marketing ploy to succeed, it couldn't be obvious that this was all done to hype up a movie.  No.  It had to look real.  And so, the geniuses behind all those movies you know and love sat back and waited... and waited... and then waited some more while the oil gushed all over the place and caused an ecological disaster.  Perfect!  Now America was ripe, their hearts and minds captured, just waiting for someone to swoop in and fight back.  Enter the Van Damme.

Playing an ex-Navy SEAL named Rick Diesel, Van Damme is a lone wolf fighting against a team of insidious monsters, arch-criminals known only by the name BP.  What do they want?  Why did they do it?  Well, Rick Diesel is gonna find out, and he's gonna find out the only way he knows how, by snapping necks  from Galveston to Pensacola, aided the whole time by the hot daughter of a murdered environmental scientist, played by a stripper named Tits McGee who Van Damme discovered during a drunken night out in New Orleans.

Sex, murder, intrigue, Oil Spill, Top Kill has it all and now that America is ready for a hero, the Muscles from Brussels is ready to give them one.  Some people might be upset by the lengths Hollywood has gone to ensure the success of this film, but those people are assholes.  This is America and if some fish and a few ducks have to eat some tar so that Jean-Claude Van Damme can kick ass and fondle some dumb blond with Double D's in front of a camera then so be it.

I, for one, applaud the ingenuity of Hollywood in these dark and troubling times.  They knew they needed to innovate, to do something special to make people remember that they need the entertainment business.  If they're willing to go to these lengths for a direct to DVD movie like Oil Spill, Top Kill, then I can't wait to see what they do for the next Terminator movie or for the recently announced Planet of the Apes prequel. 

Oil Spill, Top Kill is just the beginning and this will all be worth it when you sit in your living room and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme cover one of the bad guys in a thick film of his own spilled oil and then shoot him with a flamethrower while a bunch of random whores run around topless in the background.  Remember, this is America.  We invented entertainment, and now, thanks to the geniuses behind Oil Spill, Top Kill, we've also made it so that you can even be entertained by the news now.  You're welcome, world.  You're welcome.