God Hates Your Ugly Breasts

Published:2:32 pm EDT, April 26, 2010| Updated:10:03 am EDT, February 2, 2011|
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Iran Hates Breasts

In response to an Iranian cleric's statement that women who dress inappropriately cause promiscuity, a situation which God only knows how to deal with by smashing tectonic plates together, which I guess is how God gets a boner? (need a Koran expert on this), some weird-looking bloggette decided to declare today show-your-boobs-for-western-hegemony day ("Boobquake," as she calls it.) Her point, beyond maybe getting some attention from the tall graduate assistant in the biology lab, was to prove that there is no link between female immodesty and dramatic events of tectonic drift.

Naturally, at 10:59 a.m. local time, just hours into Boobquake Day, a 6.9 earthquake shook near Taiwan.  Of course it wasn't even Boobquake day yet in America, so maybe this was one of those anticipation boners that God gave himself getting all riled up thinking about how awesome it was gonna be to see a bunch of awkward science chicks puffing up their moleskin racks and walking around campus with the courage of a theater chick.  Or, perhaps he got a hot whiff of the caliber of tit coming down the pipeline and decided to put his divine kibosh on it A.S.A.P.

I don't know, I'm not a theologian, or even a "moron who believes in that kind of garbage," I just know that I've seen more ugly tits in the 30 minutes I spent researching this article than I'd seen up to now in my entire adult life.  So way to go, nerdy girls of the internet, you've pushed me three steps closer to Islamo-fundamentalism.  I am going to go drink to undo the damage, and hopefully make some of these boobs look a little better.

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