So the world is atwitter about the opening of the Burj Dubai, the massive spire that is the world's tallest building. Clocking in at an astounding 2,717 feet high, the skyscraper cost $1.5 billion to build and towers over a proposed business park development anchoring the United Arab Emirates' fading boomtown. But what exactly do you do with a building this big, once you've built it? Heavy.com got hold of some documentation on the structure's tenants and uses, and we're ripping off the veil of secrecy to share them with you.
- The lower floors are occupied by the Armani Hotel, decorated by famed designer Giorgio Armani. Out back, in a tin shack held together by baling wire, is the Ed Hardy Motel, decorated by Christian Audigier. At any time, the Jersey Shore cast can be seen fistfighting in the motel's bar.
- The next 33 floors are devoted to a massive shopping mall that dwarfs the legendary Mall of America. Shoppers can purchase clothing items from Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch and other Western retailers. Unfortunately, none of these clothes may be worn publicly in the heavily Muslim United Arab Emirates, so they are seized at the exit and burned.
- A team of six genetically engineered window-washers will spend their entire lives on the exterior of the building's aluminum and glass facade. Specially bred to secrete a soapy substance from their salivary glands, they will lick the windows clean over the course of two weeks before starting all over again. They are forbidden from falling in love with human women, so don't even ask.
- The world's smallest Quiznos is opening inside a Coleman cooler on Mezzanine B. Inside is half a sandwich and a pack of matches.
- The majority of the building is used for office space, boasting such multinational corporations as Quiznos, Quiznos UK and International Chemical Manufacturing, Inc. These corporations lay title to their floors by rule of combat - in front of each elevator bank there is a 10x10 square of land with two curved scimitars and a computerized referee. A representative from any corporation can place a challenge to the occupying company's champion and, if he can manage to kill him, the lease for the floor is transferred automatically.
- A dwarf positioned in the top of the spire can drop a Jelly Belly brand jellybean down a cleverly constructed narrow chute to a waiting child's mouth positioned at a specially marked location in the first floor atrium. The jellybean will increase to terminal velocity of 65 miles per hour by the time it reaches the child's mouth, exploding into a flavor sensation unlike any before experienced. All parents must sign waivers and the cost of this service is $400 per jellybean.
