Let's face it, we're going to get old, and when we do, we're going to have a ton of boring stories that will put our future grandchildren to sleep. Best case scenario, they'll have some kind of school project about interviewing an older relative and they'll have to listen to you ramble for three hours about how when you were a child, gaming consoles only had sixteen bits of power! Regardless, there are some things that just won't make sense in the future, and here are ten stories about this decade that my grandkids are going to be completely puzzled by:
10. R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet - "It was one song but it was actually 32 different songs, but every one of them sounded exactly the same, and they all told a story about this man who was cheating on his wife, but she was cheating on him too, and then he tried to kill her brother, who was a drug dealer and owed a bunch of money to the Mafia or something, and then there was a neighbor who caught them having sex and she told the preacher and then there was a car chase and a helicopter and the wife was having sex with a policeman who was having sex with a woman who was having sex with a midget with AIDS and then R. Kelly had sex with a twelve year old and they all died, I think."
9. Paris Hilton - "She was this ugly girl who was really famous for being a whore. She put a recording of herself having sex on the Internet and because of that, she was famous. No, she didn't invent the sex tape, foolish child! She just got famous because she put up a sex tape of a famous person. No, I don't remember who she had sex with, but it must have been somebody important, because then she was famous for having sex on the video and she got to be in movies and TV shows and she had a record and a book. So she must have had sex with somebody famous. It must have been a Senator."
8. Dial-up Internet Access - "When I was your age, the telephone connected to the wall with a cord, and you had to plug that cord into the back of your computer if you wanted to use the Internet. Lord, it was slow. It made this awful noise like 'beep-beep-beep chuh chuh GROARRRRRRwoosh' and then you were on the Internet. That was how we got on the Internet in those days, you see. Through the telephone. And it was so slow! It took thirty minutes to download one song, and if someone picked up the telephone, you could hear the Internet screaming at you to hang it back up."
7. Polar Bears - "There used to be this one kind of bear called a polar bear. They were white, and they lived at the North Pole. Where the ocean is now. All of that used to be ice. Don't laugh at me, child, it did! We used to say Santy Claus lived up there... Yes, this was before he lived on the moon. It was all covered with ice, and there were these special bears that only lived up there and they were WHITE. And when all the ice melted, the bears all drowned, except the ones in zoos, and then they all died because they were old. There were people who lived up there too. Eskimos. I don't know what happened to them, though."
6. Autotune - "Autotune used to be this computer program you would use when someone was a bad singer, and it would cover them up so they sounded like a good singer. But then someone figured out that if you fiddled with it, it would make you sound like a robot.... What? Hell, I don't care if your boyfriend thinks that's offensive, that's just what we all thought robots sounded like back then! Anyway, they used the autotune to make people's voices sound funny, and pretty soon it was in every song. There was this one fella named Tee Pain. He was married to Lady Gaga and they made a bunch of songs with the autotune that were just them screaming their fool heads off in that awful robot voice for... damnit child, I said I wasn't racist against robots. I just don't think they should be allowed to marry real people."
5. The Bailouts - "So back in 2005 or so, everyone was buying houses. That was when your grandma and I bought our first house. We took out this loan and the terms were terrible. Your grandma was smart and good looking and she got it paid off, but a lot of people weren't that smart and they lost everything. People lost their houses and then they couldn't buy things or pay the banks and the banks and the stores were going broke, so the government gave the banks and the insurance companies and the car companies and everybody else a whole ton of money. Well, everybody except the people who actually lost their houses. I think they all died. Froze to death. Just terrible."
4. Video Rental Stores - "When I was a little kid, movies came in these big black boxes called VCR Tapes. You'd go to a special store, and they'd have maybe a hundred or so VCR Tapes, and you'd pick the one you wanted, you would pay the person, and then you'd take it home. When you were done watching it, you'd go back to the store and return the VCR Tape and maybe get another one. Yes, they only had a hundred or so. VCR Tapes were pretty big, and the store was only so large. You could fit a dozen or so in a shoebox. Anyway, yes, you had to leave the house. You couldn't just download things, because we didn't have enough Internet back then to download!"
3. Ken Jennings - "Ken Jennings was a man who was famous for being really smart. He went on TV and answered all the questions on Jeopardy. He did it for almost a year, and that meant he was the smartest man in the world. He was some kinda Mormon or something, and that's why he was so good at answering Jeopardy questions – he didn't drink or smoke or anything like that, he just studied for the Jeopardy all day. I think he eventually got rich from it. Should have, anyway. Whaddya mean, 'what's a "Jepperty"?'! Get the hell out of here and get your grandpa another beer."
2. Jackass - "Now that was a TV show from when I was in college. It was these mentally handicapped fellas – we used to call 'em 'retards' back then, but you can't call them that anymore. These mentally handicapped fellas would go places and try to do things like normal people and they'd screw it up and that was supposed to be funny. They'd set themselves on fire and roll down a hill in a grocery buggy that was on fire, or they'd go down to the septic plant and stick their faces in turds for an hour and things like that. They finally passed a law against treating retards like that."
1. Emperor Gorlok - "Of course I remember where I was when the First Invasion Fleet landed! It was December 28th, 2009! Ol' Gorlock and his squids came off of that ship acting like they wanted to be friends, but we knew what they were really up to, heh heh!"