Spider-Man! Friend to children, enemy to criminals and source of eternal confusion to children who are also criminals! This swell guy can swing on webs, climb on walls and his aunt has been at death's door for four decades! We all know Spidey - but there are things not all of us know about Spidey. So here comes Heavy, riding on a rocket glider and throwing pumpkin bombs - watch out Spider-Man! We've come to unveal your weirdest secrets!
FACT: HE HAS DEADLY RADIOACTIVE SPERM
That's right true believer - Peter Parker's penis paratroopers will show up on a Geiger counter. No lie, no idle talk - Marvel established this most peculiar property of the Spectacular Spider Spaff in the grim future of the Spider-Man: Reign miniseries, where it's clearly established Peter Parker unwittingly slaughters his beloved Mary Jane with tainted reproductive mucus. There's no clear consensus on if this applies to the mainstream comics Spidey, though Marvel refuse to so much as acknowledge my pitch where he pops a load in the Green Goblin's eye to find out.
FACT: HE WAS THE FIRST POWER RANGER
The ideals of a young boy who fights crime with webs are universal (primal, even) and Spider-Man was soon targeted for Japanese TV by Toei. Taking their lead from the suggestions of some (possibly drunken) Bandai executives, Toei decided to throw out absolutely everything but the costume, with Spidey now a hot-blooded young biker transformed into a "Spider-Soldier" by some alien mcguffin or other and kitted out with a machinegun equipped sportscar and transforming robot spaceship. Pretty soon Japan was all about costumed heroes riding in robots, and with Toei's followup "Battle Fever J" the "Super Sentai" series of shows was born, eventually to be recut with abysmal high-school nonsense footage to launch the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers franchise. That's right: no one but Spider-Man is to blame for Tommy and his terrible friends hanging out at the "juice bar". I hope it burns when you make toilet, Spidey.
FACT: HE HAS EXPERIENCED "THE BAD TOUCH"
Just because you spend all day wrapped in skintight lyrca wrestling powerful, desperate men doesn't mean you're immune to becoming an object of perversion, and Spidey knows this lesson well. In fact, a shocking Marvel PSA clearly establishes quite the opposite! A young, naive Peter Parker is plied with skin magazines and touched up by a guy who looks a little too like dear old uncle Ben. I wonder - did Peter Parker drop Ben himself, his shattered mind seeking refuge in a fractured fantasy world full of colorful adventures, implausable science and sinister authority figures?
FACT: IN TURKEY, HE WILL KILL YOU
The Turkish film industry used to be legend for the complete disregard it showed to copyright law, leading to the apex of alternate Spidey goodness - 3 Dev Adam, a crazy brawlfest between Turkish Captain America, Turkish Santo and their fiendish nemesis, Murdering Gangster Asshole Turkish Spiderman. With great plagarism comes great dickishness, and soon Spidey is killing women with boat propellers, stabbing people while they have sex, unleashing guinea pigs for the purpose of murder and cutting up suckers with a switchblade. He's also fat, has huge eyebrows and multiplies himself! I love you Spidey! Rumours that Stan Lee could be seen at script meetings hiding his face behind a huge cape are, of course, huge lies I made up because I'm a bad person.
