Every week I find five things that remind me that America is the best darn country on Earth, plus the Moon. This week it's rockets, T-shirts, and drugging little children.

Strapping rocket launchers (or just rockets) to stuff is just something that we, as Americans, are hardwired to do. We crave it. So when you or I see a blind link with a headline like THIS DUDE PUT A ROCKET LAUNCHER ON HIS CBR LOL it's not even up for debate. It's getting clicked on.

Which is sad because you watch the thing and it's just a dude with some roman candles and a motorcycle. If you didn't do that exact thing on your bike, as a kid, then you just weren't trying hard enough.

Look, people: Barry Bostwick figured this out 27 years ago:

It's not rocket science. Or maybe it is.

I don't sleep. At all. If I don't supplement properly I lay in bed wide-eyed and awake until my body is like OMG and shuts down. I don't want to call it insomnia because that's a real thing and then you're at the doctor and they're putting wires on your head and the correct answer to that is "No, ma'am".

So I sympathize with anyone who can't sleep. Or can't get other people – people that they would very much like to go to sleep – to go to sleep.

That's why I heartily endorse the bold, proactive step taken by this daycare outside Cincinnatti: give the kids stuff that will knock their asses out cold. Kids are loud. They run around. They want do to "kid stuff". All that stuff means more stuff you have to keep track of. They fall down. They get hurt. They want to talk to you. They want to show you a thing they just made. God. Just, LOOK, OKAY I'M READING US WEEKLY OVER HERE GIVE ME JUST A MINUTE JESUS.

I mean, I get it: all those kids. Daycare would probably go a lot smoother – and be a lot more fun – if everyone was medicated. But why stop at melatonin? It's not even a drug. I say give the kids Ambien. Or Xanax. Or both.

I just want to get to a place where we have a daycare full of this.

I'm torn.

On one hand, every movie James Cameron has ever made has been completely awesome (except for the one with the boat). On the other, he just made a movie about ten foot tall cat people that look like goddamned Pokemon. There are some space marines in there too, I guess. Which is pretty cool.

Oh wait no we already saw that movie. 23 years ago. Who directed that? Oh yeah: James Cameron. Ripping off yourself is okay, because you get to say stuff like "hurrr it's just a recurring theme in my work." Somewhere, Kevin Smith is wearing shorts in the middle of December and nodding in agreement.

I think what really gets me is that all these images and trailers of the cutting edge action and adventure in Avatar are supposed to blow our minds. All of this is supposed to be stuff that we are literally unable to digest. We're supposed to faint in the aisleways and run screaming from the theater as we stab our eyes out. If only.

At this point we've been so inundated with amazing and beautiful and preposterous science fiction imagery that everything we've seen from Avatar looks like a 13 year-old Playstation game.

Really I just wish James Cameron really had made Aquaman instead.

I'm just really proud to be living in the only country on Earth where something so retarded and so terrifying could happen. We'll skip the part where we joke about an Asian guy flipping out and shooting at white people and jump right to the part where we break down his plan of attack:

1. Live in Iowa.
2. Own a 9mm semiautomatic pistol.
3. Have a girlfriend.
4. Make sure girlfriend is aware of the fact that you own said 9mm pistol.
5. Get dumped by girlfriend.
6. Decide to shoot your ex-girlfriend. In a drive-by. In Iowa.
7. Announce your intentions to perform said drive-by via text message.
8. Drive by your ex-girlfriend's friend's apartment and shoot at the people inside.

We can only speculate why someone would announce the fact that they are about to drive by your house and shoot at it. My only theory is that maybe he thought he would warn her and then nobody would get hurt and then she would be so thankful to be alive and awed by his machismo that she would have no choice but to get back together with him.

And the text message he sent? "You better be ducking :) HAHA." Bush league.

Everyone knows a little lol goes a long way. HAHA is just weird. And it takes longer to type. Especially on a phone. Maybe that's why she broke up with him?

Maybe he was texting her all the time with stuff like OHMYGOSH and WHUTTHEFRAK and she was just over it because, like, those have a lot more letters in them than they should. And that takes way longer to read. Srsly.

And who sends a smiley face in 2009? Come on, man.

You're in the mall. You've just stepped out of Williams-Sonoma. I come rushing up out of nowhere and grab you by your lapels and ask "HEY REALLY FAST IF YOU SAW A PERSON'S FACE AIRBRUSHED ON A XXL T-SHIRT WHOSE FACE WOULD IT BE?"

Maybe there's a crazed look about my eyes. Maybe I give you an extra lapel-shake for good measure, just to get the point across that this is serious business.

Whatever the situation, there are always three and only three correct answers to this question. A holy trinity, if you will. These answers – all three of them -- are non-negotiable (like silver certificates).

Biggie. Tupac. Tony Montana. Three faces that built an industry: an industry of airbrushing giant faces on XXL t-shirts. Now, though, as we approach the end of the first decade of the 21^st century, we add a fourth face to this…pantheon. A trinity no longer, what we have hear is a veritable Mount Rushmore of giant airbrushed faces on XXL t-shirts.

Sarah Palin, welcome.

Check out our Proud To Be An American archive.

Aaron B. Murray has a wall-sized aquarium filled with Cristal and reef sharks. He feeds them daily and recycles the Cristal twice a month. Follow him on Twitter at murray_cod