Here at Heavy.com, we have questions. And we answer those questions with science. So when I sat bolt upright in bed a few weeks ago, mouth dry and dripping in a cold sweat, with one question on my lips, I knew I could find an answer. That question? "What sandwich would the majority of Americans choose to have sex with?" I immediately got on the phone and by sunup had retained the services of a major polling organization which has requested to not be identified. Armed with photographs of six representative adult sandwiches, they conduced a massive poll of thousands of Americans of every age, creed, and color. What follows are the results of that survey.
Ham & Cheese: 34%
America overwhelmingly preferred the classic ham & cheese on a seeded bun. Over a third of respondents chose this as the sandwich they would most like to ravish. Justifications included:
"I would like to have sex with this sandwich because it is fully dressed, and I like to unwrap it piece by piece. It exites me much and gives me added pleasure."
That's good, this guy is thinking about foreplay.
"BECAUSE IT IS VERY HELPFUL TO REGAIN MY ENERGY VERY FAST ALSO HELPFUL TO GO OTHER SEXUAL INTERCOURSE VERY QUICK."
Now this might hurt the sandwich's feelings. Is having sex with this sandwich just a stepping stone to something better for you?
"It would be this one because it looks most similar to the relevant parts of my other sex partners."
No noodz plz, do not want.
"It seems like it would like to cuddle afterwards."
This guy gets it.
A pretty decisive second-place finish went to this toasted bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Why?
"Because bacon is sexy, and I like meaty men."
I don't understand the concept of a "meaty man" - is that like a dude who wears turkeys as boxing gloves when he beats the crap out of you?
"Resembles a vagina the most out of all of them."
Are you kidding me? Seriously, I don't even know how to approach this statement.
"The one I picked looks tempting and I think I would have a great orgasm."
Yes, but what about the sandwich? Don't you care about the sandwich's pleasure? Just like a man, seriously.
This very phallic sandwich scraped into a third-place finish, mostly among women and gay men. Only fifteen percent of Americans would pick this sandwich to go to bed with, for reasons such as:
"I'm a girl!... I wouldn't have it cut, though. But look at its dark colour..."
I think we learned something about your secret times here, lady.
"Most of the people especially ladies, after finished their sexual contact even in mid nights, will desire to eat something for refreshing. For this purpose this is my best choice. It looks like bread role with nourished ingredient balls."
Mmm, nourished ingredient balls.
"It is nice the brownish white balls are very nice, Am very hungry to see this sandwiches I would like to taste this sandwiches creamy balls."
I have no idea how the guy doing this survey kept a straight face when this person said this.
Chicken Salad: 13%
Getting down into the also-rans, this heaping chicken salad sandwich garnered thirteen percent of respondents for the following reasons:
"This sandwich looks creamy and warm. It looks like it would feel good and simulate real intercourse the most."
Real intercourse? Are you saying that this sandwich isn't real to you?
"This one looks the softest, the others have too much friction."
Uh, sex is all about friction, buddy. But whatever floats your perverted ol' boat.
This messy meatloaf sandwich had a few fans.
"The selected sandwich looks like it is the sauciest and softest providing the most pleasure and lowest amount of painful chafing during intercourse."
That's good that you're thinking about chafing when you have sex with a meatloaf sandwich. Do you evaluate your human sexual partners on the same criteria?
"Looked like the most fun to try and stuff in my vagina."
Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa.
And, in last place, the open-faced roast beef and arugula sandwich. Despite the low number of people who chose it, these respondents were among the most enthusiastic and sexually adventurous.
"It is long and I would fit right in there."
Thanks - thanks for sharing.
"Looks sumptous, well spread-out, would love to ravish this one for long..."
This guy's planning a relationship. Remember, if you have sex with the sandwich again the morning after, it's serious.
"I picked this one due to it's sexy ass grease and intense heat when heated. You can bust a nut in this all f*cking day."
This guy was actually turned on by this. If we had an actual sandwich in front of him instead of just a photo, he probably would have whipped it out and done the deed right there.