Vampires are all the rage these days. It seems like studio execs everywhere are noticing that girls are ready to throw their dollar bills and their panties at everyone from Edward Cullen to Count Chocula. So, it would come as no surprise if we began seeing strange new twists and turns popping up involving creatures of the night on the most popular television shows out there. What would these intriguing new subplots look like? Well, let's find out.
LOST
This one would only be too natural considering the bizarre happenings on Lost. The most obvious plotline would involve the dearly departed John Locke. At the end of last season, we were left with the knowledge that John was indeed dead in that casket. Or was he? It won't take long into the new season before the other inhabitants of the island begin to notice the occasional corpse that seems to be a touch paler than usual. But there are only so many people for Undead John Locke to gnaw upon and so it won't be long before the gang begins to notice rats, boars and yes, even those mysterious polar bears littered on their beach, drained of blood. The storyline will reach its dramatic climax when Vampire Locke abducts Claire's baby, who mysteriously ends up back on the island after yet another strange twist. Count Locke will consider devouring poor baby Aaron while Jack mopes around in tortured agony, Sawyer screws Kate and Hurley wonders if he can make a taco out of seaweed and his flip flops. It will all be revealed that Vampire Locke is just a hologram created by the Wizard of Oz type dude who really runs the island and that Benjamin Linus is the real vampire. Hologram Locke hangs himself and Vampire Benjamin eats the rest of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Hey, no one said the show would have a happy ending.
ENTOURAGE
Vince and the boys begin to notice that strange things keep happening all over town. Missing person reports have spiked and the bodies of dead starlets keep turning up, drained of blood. The problem is, is that because it is Los Angeles, no one notices or really cares. The vampire, played by the dude who plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, runs amok, until, disappointed by the lack of attention his grisly behavior is receiving, he storms into Ari Gold's office and demands that he represent him. Vince feels threatened by this new competitor in the fame game and he and his life partner Eric set about trying to uncover dirt on the mysterious newcomer. They discover the ugly truth when they find him eating a stoned Turtle. They tell Ari the awful news and Ari immediately sees dollar signs. He casts the vampire in his own reality show, costarring Johnny Drama as the wacky neighbor, and it becomes a smash hit. Vince, grieved at the loss of his friend, becomes a heroin addict and Eric is hit by a bus. The show's ratings climb 75%.
MAD MEN
Sterling Cooper hires a hot new young ad man who immediately begins feuding with alpha male Don Draper. Unfortunately for Don and his team, this new hotshot, played by Zac Efron, isn't the sort who can be knocked down by a hard stare and a cutting remark. Instead, he's the one who starts knocking down - and off - his fellow employees. Unfortunately, for the poor vampire, the tainted blood of all those drunken degenerates gives him a near fatal case of alcohol poisoning. He takes his revenge by sleeping with all of the women in the office. No one cares except for Pete Campbell, who finally turns his shotgun on himself after catching the vamp, uh, making copy with Peggy Olsen. After working his way through the office, the vamp renews his rivalry with Don Draper, beginning an affair with Betty. Unfortunately, Betty's constant nagging and shrill petulance causes the weary vamp to hang himself with a noose made of garlic. Don later sleeps with a hot vampiress. Just because.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
With Coach Eric Taylor being forced out as head coach of the Dillon Panthers and taking on the responsibility of leading the new East Dillon football program, it's a perfect time to introduce an infusion of exciting brand new characters to the acclaimed show. Perhaps the most prominent is the new star quarterback of Taylor's team, a mysterious loner, played by one of the Jonas Brothers, who tends to wear a lot of sun block at practice. This newcomer soon falls for Coach Taylor's daughter. The only problem is that aimless slacker Matt Saracen is still hanging around town dating her. One set of teeth to the jugular later and suddenly Julie Taylor is free for a night on the town. Coach Taylor grows suspicious when he notices that his daughter's hickeys are getting a little out of control and he asks Tim Riggins to keep an eye on the new hotshot. Riggins finds out the ugly truth and later runs down Quarterback Dracula with his truck. Sadly, poor Timmy is drunk at the time and is taken in for vehicular manslaughter. Everyone is confused when the hotshot shows up for his game, alive and seemingly well, but their confusion soon turns to horror when he runs amok in the stands, eating the fans. But, the boy sure can throw a tight spiral and everything is forgiven when he leads East Dillon to the state championship.
THE REAL WORLD
Everyone assumes that vampires reside only in the world of make believe, but MTV knows a goldmine when they see one, and so they scour the globe looking for the final housemate for their new season of their venerable reality series. An Eastern European named Vlad moves into the house and immediately clashes with his vapid, sun loving new roommates. Unfortunately for them, Vlad goes beyond trading petty insults - far beyond - and he ends arguments the only way he knows how. With his teeth. But poor Vlad is woefully under-equipped to deal with the incredible sense of entitlement that these drama queens and drunks have, and is subjected to a series of house meetings where he is derided for violating their personal space and criticized as a loner with intimacy issues. He tearfully promises to change, only to get wasted one night and eat one of his roommates. In a very special episode, Vlad is asked to leave the house because his roommates no longer feel safe. Sadly, he turns in his keys. He later gets a job working as a bartender in Los Angeles, and spends his days and nights partying with the rest of the Real World and Road Rules alumni, who don't care that he occasionally takes home and eats one of their non-famous friends. After all, everyone has their problems and he is a celebrity. Sort of, anyway. Vlad becomes a fixture on the challenge shows and becomes best known for a drunken brawl with CT, in which Vlad has his jaw broken. His jaw is wired shut and he spends the rest of the challenge miserable, sucking blood through a straw.
