What the heck is wrong with kids, these day? Violent video games? Sexy movies? Satanic music? Drugs? Sexy drug music? There's certainly enough blame to go around, but there's one place no one seems to be paying any mind: really bad kids books. Perhaps Max Payne and Marilyn Manson aren't the greatest influences for the under-13 crowd, but honestly, I'd take them over Bill O'Reilly any day. Seriously, who told that guy he was allowed to be within 100 yards of the kid's section at the Barnes & Noble? Here's five of the worst excuses for children's literature published this century.

	Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country! by Katharine DeBrecht: I believe the children are out future. Teach them well and something, something, something the way. A great children's book does so much more than simply entertain—it imparts valuable life lessons. The Giving Tree taught children the importance of selflessness. The Lorax taught conservation. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory let kids know that there's never any consequences when taking candy from weirdos in top hats. Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country! offers the most important lesson of all: to hate and fear the president, because he is different than you.
	The O'Reilly Factor for Kids by Bill O'Reilly: In October 2004, Fox News talking head, conservative radio host, and full-time blowhard Bill O'Reilly found himself at the center of a sex scandal involving an O'Reilly Factor producer, a bunch of creepy e-mails, and a suggestively-placed loofah. Less than a month before, O'Reilly had released his first children's book. Perhaps it was this unfortunate timing that ultimately hampered this title from reaching its potential as one of the English language's best-loved children's books. Or maybe it's the perpetually condescending tone he uses to address his readership. Honestly, just like the real O'Reilly Factor, kids are way to smart for this nonsense.
	The English Roses by Madonna and Jeffrey Fulvimari: In hindsight, this sorry moral fable by the increasingly terrifying pop star is even funnier. Four stuck-up English girls hate on a possibly ethnic cohort who is also really, really beautiful, and Madonna tells us why this is a bad thing. Over and over and over again. Unlike the tale of the ugly duckling, where the moral at the end is that everybody carries a little beauty inside them, this tome teaches kids that the more gorgeous somebody is, the harder their life is and the more you should dote on them. That kind of thinking gave us Myspace, people - let's leave it behind.
	Santa's God: A Children's Fable about the Biggest Question Ever by Neale Donald Walsch and Em Claire: Man, Remember those happy days, back when Christmas was just an innocent orgy of mall shopping and rampant commercialization? Why did people have to go and spoil the thing with religion? In Santa's God, a young girl ambushes St. Nick, asking him a battery of questions, ultimately asking the poor guy (who, incidentally, no doubt still has a bunch of goyim houses to hit) what the deal is with God. I bet you won't see the thrilling M. Night Shyamalan-like twist coming at the end.
	Schnook's War on Terrorism by Renata Palubinskas: A hideous dog-faced girl (or perhaps it's a girl-bodied terrier) in a pink polka-dotted dress travels to Washington to help George W. Bush fight terrorists. Valuable lessons are, naturally, learned along the way, via artwork that may well make even the bravest of kids afraid of the dark for years to come. The Metro-Times said some nice things about the book, comparing Palubinskas to Hieronymous Bosch in the process—because nothing says "kid's lit" quite like The Garden of Earthly Delights.