Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family, for gathering around the table and making a big fat hog of yourself on turkey, candied yams, green beans, stuffing, and all that other great food. That being said, sometimes you hate your family and want them to die. In that case, we here at Heavy have decided to bring you some of the most disgusting meal ideas we could find – both from traditional cuisines around the world and from fine upstanding American brands. Read on, if you dare, but you might want to keep a barf bag handy.
Food companies love to give out free recipes. It encourages you to pick up their products, and is handy for those of us who are okay around the kitchen, but need a little extra guidance. Sometimes, however, these recipes go horribly, horribly awry. Sometimes, someone somewhere thought hummus made from cauliflower and mayonnaise was an awesome idea. These are those recipes, the ones that a brand you know and trust decided would be a great way to sell their product, against anyone's better judgment.
Kraft Pink Fruit Freeze: Combining the great taste of cream cheese, ice cream, and MIRACLE WHIP. Is this part of Miracle Whip's retarded attempts to make their product edgy and hip to the youth market? If so, is it a prank? Are you supposed to make this, serve it to a friend, record their horrified expression and upload the whole thing to the internet? Not only does it look like something they use to protect computer parts while shipping, it's got the great flavor of "mayonnaise we threw some extra pepper and crap into." When we think creamy, sweet, treats, we generally don't think mayo. We think, you know, cream. This recipe is so atrocious that even the user reviews on Kraft's website are taken aback.
Dole Asparagus Lemon Soup : Don't get me wrong, asparagus is a great side dish. Good with a steak or salmon or something like that. And lemons are delicious. But combining the two? In a cold soup? That sounds like a terrible idea, and the urinary ramifications are horrifying. As nasty as asparagus-pee is, you mix in something sweet? Oh lord.
Krystal Monster Mash Dip: Brought to you by the fine folks at Krystal (for those of you outside the Deep South, think White Castle, but less "stoner college kid" and more "tweaker with a Camaro up on cinder blocks") this particular meal was rightfully proposed as a "halloween treat." Put a dozen Krystal burgers, whole, in a blender. Throw in a pint of sour cream. Blend. The end result presumably looks something like diarrhea and will taste like lousy hamburgers dipped in sour cream. DELICIOUS!
Barbeque SPAM Muffins : First off, these aren't even fucking muffins. They're canned biscuits with shredded Spam and barbeque sauce on top. Secondly – that is disgusting. Spam, in and of itself, is pretty gross, and canned biscuits are some kind of abomination to begin with. You know how good a biscuit with some bacon is? A real flaky, crumbly biscuit with piping hot crisp bacon? This is like some Chinese knockoff factory tried to replicate the experience, and failed beyond reason. This is the food equivalent of a "SMALL CAT GREATINGS COSTUME FACE DÉCOR SET." Sure, it looks like Hello Kitty, and that appears to be makeup inside, but it's actually just pure powdered lead and it's going to give you cancer.
Duke's Alabama Collard Greens Pizza : That's a list of words that should never, ever, appear in close proximity. Calling this a "pizza" is probably false advertising. Let's try "soul food nightmare." Collard greens, hamhocks and bacon as toppings, a sauce made from marinara, mayonnaise, and cream cheese... this isn't a pizza, it's a one-way ticket to a coronary bypass. You wonder why the Deep South has the highest obesity rates in the United States, if not the entire world? Because of goddamned Alabama Collard Greens Pizza. Congratulations, Alabama Collard Greens Pizza, you are officially the most disgusting-ass recipe on the internet.
