Thanksgiving is a time for both celebration and quiet reflection, a time to look back upon all that we have to be thankful for and to be glad for all that is still to come. Unfortunately, you have to do this while surrounded by the chaos of your family. It's hard to feel thankful or glad when your Uncle Milt is explaining how he met your Aunt Mildred for the 168th time, all while the alcohol content of his breath could peel paint. So, with that in my mind, we here at Heavy would like to give you the tools to survive Thanksgiving with your family. Follow these guidelines, and you might just make it out with your sanity intact.

Smile at everyone, nod politely, show that you are happy to be there. The last thing you want is for everyone to think that you are unhappy or depressed. If you look morose, everyone will try to cheer up, and that will likely involve a barrage of terrible Civil War era jokes from your Great Uncle Morrie.

This is a fine line to straddle, but straddle it you must. You want to appear inviting, but you also want to keep yourself at a distance. I suggest hanging at the edge of random conversations, making it seem like you are listening, but without having to actually participate. If you see someone you want to avoid approaching you, feign laughter. The people around you won't know what in the hell you are doing, but that is a small price to pay.

I cannot stress this one enough. It is a holiday, so chances are there are some spirits floating around. Use them. It will dull the pain and make everyone seem slightly more interesting. Even Aunt Brenda with the 14 cats.

You don't want to get sloppy. If this happens, then you become known as the one with the drinking problem and that will follow you around for the rest of your life. I promise you. Besides, you don't want to get too liquored up and call Grandma a mean old bitch or your dad a Nazi.

Fan or no fan, a key to surviving any Thanksgiving with the family is to watch the football game. It doesn't matter who's playing, everyone will understand and respect your decision to want to watch the game. After all, it's tradition. This will buy you a couple of hours of relative peace and quiet.

It's important to surround yourself with people who understand that you are there to eat, not talk. Some family members will take any opportunity to show you pictures of their neighbor's children's kindergarten graduation. You know who the likely suspects are. Sit as far away from them as possible.

If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, only bring them if they have met everyone in your crazy brood before. Watching people fight over the last drumstick while spitting up little bits of pumpkin pie will not leave a favorable impression for first timers.

This is kind of cruel, but you need someone both to act as a buffer between yourself and your family and to drive you home when you have eventually drank yourself into a stupor. If you start to feel guilty, just remember that you are saving them from their own mess of a family.

It's a family and families fight. That doesn't mean that you have to get involved in any of it. The best case scenario is that you appear sympathetic and get to listen to one of the aggrieved parties talk your ear off for an hour in the bathroom. And that's the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that you piss someone off and when you go to leave you find that your brakes have been cut. Whoops.

You have done your part. You showed up, listened to the same stories and told the same jokes, eaten dinner and made some wholesome memories. Now, get out. It's okay. You love your family, but your sanity is at stake. Fake a seizure, have a friend call you with a fake emergency, or claim that your dog is suicidal and needs attention. Whatever. Just get out of there before Aunt Edna traps you with her scrapbook, because if that happens there won't be enough booze in the world to save you.