It's November, and that means Black Friday is drawing near - that infamous day after Thanksgiving where stores offer deep discounts on holiday merchandise to encourage Americans to open up their wallets and let the cash flow. Well, here at Heavy we're great fans of unbridled consumerism, so I thought I'd put together a shopping guide to the nation's largest retailers listing the hottest Black Friday deals, offers, and scams that you can expect when you head out to the malls on November 27th.

Wal-Mart: Any customer who spends over $200 in one purchase at Wal-Mart will be followed home by three employees of the chain, who will erect a new Wal-Mart in their front yard using spare branches, couch cushions, and whatever else they can scavenge. The store will sell products that the host family consumes the most often and in the greatest quantity, until eventually overwhelming the host family and growing fat off of their carcass, emitting spores that will colonize other habitats.

Best Buy: Customers can print a coupon off of the Internet that entitles them to the purchase of one Microsoft Zune and guarantees that Best Buy employees will not make fun of them until they are at least 30 feet from the store exit.

Office Depot: Customers purchasing over $80 in products (not including printer ink cartridges) get to participate in the "Supply Closet Sweepstakes," where they're locked in a small, dark room and have 60 seconds to grab as many paperclips, Post-It notes, and highlighters as they can. If their job still exists when they get out, they win!

Home Depot: Do-it-yourself gift givers will find serious savings on materials and plans for hot tubs, playgrounds and secluded shacks for keeping kidnapped Mormon girls. Chicken wire, factory offload lumber and tarps have been reduced up to 30%.

Half Price Books: All books are 53% off cover price for the week of November 27 - December 4th, except Tuesday when the store will be closed for inventory.

Toys R Us: Families feeling the "recession crunch" this Christmas can visit the "Aisle Of Misfit Toys," stocked with slightly defective products such as a Barbie with a melted pelvis, Transformers permanently trapped in hellish agony neither robot nor car, and Dora the Explorer dolls where a manufacturing accident has given her a wince-inducing harelip. A special endcap display is working to unload backstock of Tickle Me Elmos, Tamagotchis and Boy Meets World pogs.

Amazon.com: All celebrity autobiographies are 10% off through December 24th - pick up tomes by Jamie Farr, Bruce Vilanch, and Khloe Kardashian for people who you suspect may not be literate. Also Kindles are free if you pay shipping.